We Are Fine
“So casually cruel in the name of being Honest.” - All Too Well.
“How many times have I told you not to open the window?” Ajabdeh eyed Pratap, who was sitting on the edge of the bed in his boxers, as she rolled over and drew the blanket over her body. The sunlight flooded the hotel room as the sound of waves crashing and the cars on Marine Drive filled the quiet room.
“The fresh air is good.” Pratap shrugged. Ajabdeh sighed, running her finger through her messy hair. “It’s morning and the sunshine…” He eyed her.
“We just reconciled, do you want to pick a fight again?” Ajabdeh frowned as she could barely open her eyes in the sunshine that hit her face. Pratap shook his head and closed the window. The room became quiet again, as he stood there for a while, watching the crowd gather at the Gateway of India for the weekend and the tiny boats on the horizon.
“Did we reconcile?” He asked, glancing over his shoulder at her sleepy face. “I just remember spending two days in this room and a lot of…” There was a smile on the edge of his lips as Ajabdeh narrowed her brows. Are you complaining?” She asked, throwing a pillow at him, which he caught with a chuckle.
He shook his head at her words. “Absolutely not. You thought it was a good idea to go away for the weekend and talk it out. You arranged the hotel room by the sea. What should I even complain about?” Ajabdeh smiled faintly at his words. “Good. Now come back to bed.” She stretched out her hand to him as he held it.
“Are you sure we don’t need to talk?” He asked as Ajabdeh shook her head. “I was angry because you did not support me at the meeting. I lashed out because of it. I am glad you are helping Samaira. I truly am.” She sat up and placed her head on his back and sighed, putting her arms around him. “I don’t want to fight over our pasts and mistakes. I trust you, you trust me. And all I ask for is a promise that we will not keep any more secrets.” Pratap nodded at her words as he half turned towards her. “No more secrets.” He was about to kiss her when Ajabdeh resisted. “We need to start packing.” She pushed him away playfully. Pratap enjoyed the foreplay. She let him dominate in bed; she wanted to please him. That was a rare part of their dynamic that did not exist outside the bedroom. She fed his ego the way he wanted to, and there was something oddly attractive about it.
The day she had invited him to the hotel for a talk, Pratap was scared. She had just returned from Saubhagyawati’s baby shower, and from what he heard through the grapevine (that was his mother), she had made quite a friendship with her. It had forced Udai to suggest that Pratap, too, kept a personal equation with Chakrapani. Although reluctant, Pratap discovered that he liked the company, and unknowingly, Chakrapani often told him things Ajabdeh had envisioned for projects she was yet to discuss with him. Pratap was sceptical of this weekend away as Ajabdeh asked if he wanted separate rooms. Was she going to end things over one harmless lie about Samaira? Or perhaps his crossing the line and talking of her and Jalal in that manner? Pratap was ready to apologise. He was ready to do anything to mend things. More than his love for her, it was the need to prove a point. To not let the parents tell him, “I told you so.” But when he met Ajabdeh at the hotel, she surprised him with an apology for her overreaction. He was not sure, but he thought Rukaiya had something to do with it, and he apologised as well. Barely two sentences were spoken before they kissed, and he realised that he missed her touch. They barely found time with each other to do things people normally did in the first year of their relationships, and he wanted to show her that he missed her. They barely spoke for the next two days. They ate, drank, watched meaningless TV, had make-up sex and talked about childhood. Work, relationships, wedding plans, arguments and pasts were never brought up. Pratap did not want to ruin the good time by bringing things up again. He was too comfortable pushing things under the rug the way Ajabdeh did. If problems were avoidable, why would he want them to talk about it and fight?
Rukaiya paced her bedroom when a knock made her stop, and Jalal peeped in. She looked worried but smiled at him. “What are you doing here?”
“I was… in town for a project and wanted to see how Sarangpura went.” Rukaiya patted the edge of her bed and sat down as he sat beside her. Conscious as he was of being in her room, he made sure the door was open, and Rukaiya noticed that.
“Sarangpura was fun. We attended the rituals. Ajab and I had a heart-to-heart conversation.” Rukaiya smiled.
“Why are you worried?” Jalal scrutinised her face as she shook her head.
“It’s nothing.” Jalal eyed her at her words.
“Rukaiya Sultanam Begum, are you hiding things again?” His words made her smile. “Not about me this time.” She smiled sheepishly. “I am just worried.”
“For whom?” Jalal asked. “I am fine.” Rukaiya glanced at him with narrowed eyes. “I have other people to worry about.”
“You mean Punwar?” Jalal stood up to face her. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing yet.” Rukaiya shook her head. “They are on vacation, mending things.”
“Then?” Rukaiya watched him shrug. “Will you stop worrying about others?”
“Did you know he was meeting Samaira behind her back?” Jalal’s brows shot up at Rukaiya’s words. “She saw them together.”
“Isn’t Samaira… umm… married?” Jalal sounded unsure.
“About to be divorced. He is also married.” Rukaiya snapped. “I will not spare him if he hurts her.”
“Whoa.” Jalal shook his head. “I said this to Ajabdeh, and I am telling you this: Pratap will never cheat on her. He is not the kind…” He stopped as Rukaiya smiled.
“I wonder if you would say the same if you knew what he thinks of you.” Jalal frowned at her words as Rukaiya shook her head. “I think you should talk to him.”
“Me?” Jalal asked. “What will I say?”
“That you have heard from me that I saw them, and ask what is going on?” Rukaiya suggested.
“If he were having an affair, hypothetically, why would he tell me?” He made Rukaiya look up and sigh.
“Will you stop worrying about them? They have always been at loggerheads and made up. They are fine.” Jalal reassured her. “Perhaps you need a vacation to clear your head.” Rukaiya sighed.
“About that… what are you doing next weekend?” Her words made his brows arch in surprise as Rukaiya laughed.
“Why do you look so scared?” She was amused. “I am not asking you to go on a holiday with me. Your father and I are travelling to Udaipur to see the office space and an apartment. I thought you could come along.” She shook her head. Jalal heaved a sigh. “Oh, that’s a good idea. I can come along and explore and take some pictures.”
“While we work?” Rukaiya shook her head. “Fine.”
Jalal smiled and took her leave. Watching him go, Rukaiya sat on the desk chair, amused. He was so scared when she suggested a holiday. Her smile faded as she wondered if he was at all comfortable with the idea of coexisting in the same space. No matter what they made each other believe, certain expectations came with the word Marriage, and seeing how Ajabdeh and Pratap were constantly at loggerheads, she was scared. The thought of intimacy had not come to her mind until Ajabdeh mentioned that they did not have enough time together, and Rukaiya suddenly realised how inexperienced she was. As eager as she was to know of Jalal’s past experiences, she knew where to draw the line. Perhaps the relationship was an understanding that would never reach that point. Rukaiya knew in her heart that it was very impractical, but she could not muster the courage to talk to Jalal about it without appearing shamelessly curious or worse, interested. She knew Ajabdeh would tell her to be clear about it before nuptials, but she was just not sure how to bring it up. They had been the closest friends yet never spoken of such things, even as a joke.
“Are you okay?” Jalal was just back from his trip to Udaipur with his father and Rukaiya, and they seemed satisfied with the results. He had barely set foot in Agra when he received Ajabdeh’s call. She was sobbing, and all he could comprehend was “Rukaiya told me to reconcile, and I did, but he is lying to me again.” It was all it took for Jalal to come back to Delhi within half a day and meet Ajabdeh. He had not informed Rukaiya because she would be worried for Ajabdeh or worse, feel guilty for her advice. He decided to go back to Agra after meeting her the very same day. Ajabdeh looked distraught. She appeared sleepless, with bags under her eyes, as he stood up to greet her, and she did not smile.
“Guess what. He went to her child’s annual sports day.” Jalal’s brows shot up at her words. “Noooo. Why?”
“When I asked, he said the child invited him. She misses her father. Is it his duty to fill in his father's shoes, or is he doing it purposefully?” Ajabdeh snapped.
“Calm down, so he did tell you?” Ajabdeh shrugged. “In the morning, when I looked upset, he invited me to come along. Why the hell would I come along uninvited?” Jalal nodded. “And he did not cancel because you are upset?”
“Worse, he blamed me for being jealous of a child going through some tough times.”
“Well…” Jalal cleared his throat. “When he is telling you where he is going, don’t make a fuss. He will start hiding again.”
“That’s your excuse for his behaviour?” Ajabdeh squinted her eyes disapprovingly at him as Jalal stopped.
“No, I am not taking his side. I am saying he has a point about the kid. Maybe not Samaira.” Jalal shrugged. “I thought you two talked it out?”
“It was an impasse.” Ajabdeh shrugged. “So we did not after a point. I said I trusted him.”
“There you go.” Jalal shrugged.
“But can I trust him? Will you trust a partner going out with an ex behind your back and not informing you?” Ajabdeh shook her head as she composed herself. Jalal eyed her, and his throat went dry.
“I… have to make a call… excuse me?” He stood up and walked outside the cafe, into the garden area as Ajabdeh sighed.
Rukaiya picked up the call, and before she could speak, Jalal said, “I wanted you to know that I am in the city because Punwar called, crying and needed to talk.”
“Okay…” Rukaiya frowned. “What’s wrong?”
“Samaira.” Jalal shrugged.
“What? Again?” Rukaiya sounded upset. “Have you not talked to Pratap?”
“I will soon. I just wanted you to know I am meeting with her.” Jalal emphasised.
“So?” Rukaiya asked.
“You are not upset?” Jalal asked.
“Why will I be upset if she speaks to you instead of me?” Rukaiya shrugged. “Sometimes I speak to Shakti instead of her as well.”
“That’s not what I… never mind.” Jalal shrugged, cursing himself, wondering how both women reacted so differently to the same thing. “I will call you.”
“After you speak to Pratap.” She reminded him.
Jalal walked back in and sat across from Ajabdeh.
“See, you told him that you trust him, so show it. Don’t be obsessed with where he is and what he is doing because it will make it worse for you. Take care of yourself and find your hobbies. You were never a person to prioritise someone else over yourself. Be that person again.”
“I can’t stop thinking, Jalal. Whether it's work or home, we see each other all the time, and there are always people around. When we are alone, we don’t want to waste time fighting… I don’t know what to do…” Jalal thought for a while about her words.
“Umm… why don’t you start singing again?” His words made her look up. “Bring out your guitar, sing your favourite songs and on the weekends I am here; you can come home. Rukaiya, Shakti and Heer would love to jam with us. Like old times?” Jalal forced a smile as Ajabdeh looked sceptical. “Shakti and Heer, I am not sure.”
“You, me, and Rukaiya then?” Jalal shrugged. “I am sure she will love to hear us play.” Ajabdeh nodded reluctantly.
“But then what if he has an issue with me meeting you all over the weekends?” Ajabdeh looked confused. Jalal frowned. “Why will he? You are allowed to have your own thing, like he has his personal charity. Besides, if he makes a fuss, he is welcome to join us.” Jalal shrugged. Ajabdeh stood up.
“I might just take up your offer. Anything to get my mind off him at this point.” She sighed. Jalal wanted to point out that he knew she would be miserable with Pratap’s tunnel vision about doing the right thing, but he did not. Ajabdeh needed a friend, and he wanted to be there.
Pratap could not understand Ajabdeh’s strange behaviour. He thought she was mature enough to understand that he could not say no to a child who asked him to attend her sports day. Worse, he found himself cornered as he could not talk about his perspective with anyone, be it Jalal or Shakti; they were always on her side. But he felt good about not lying to her anymore.
“You must know, I told Ajabdeh about you.” Pratap came clean to Samaira, who nodded. “I knew you would.”
“Look, I am sorry, but I can’t hide from her because she might think…” He was awkward to mention. “That we… given our history…”
Samaira gasped at his words. “Does she think that?” She shook her head. “I am so sorry, Pratap. I was so caught up in my issues; I don’t want to cause issues for you.”
“No, Samaira, it’s not an issue. In fact, you should meet her.” Pratap proposed eagerly, “I’m sure once you two have a conversation…”
Samaira looked unsure. “I can meet her, but I don’t think Ajabdeh will be very comfortable. We have never been on speaking terms.”
“I will ask her. Till then, if you need help… umm…” Pratap felt guilty of hurting Ajabdeh, and Samaira understood that. “It’s fine, Pratap. You were a good friend.”
Pratap came back home in the evening to see Ajabdeh taking a stroll in her kaftan by the pool, with a book in her hand. He walked up to her.
“How was sports day?” She asked nonchalantly as he stopped to observe her. She seemed calmer than when he had left her.
“Did you go out?” He asked, for there was a hint of smudged Kajal in her eyes. Ajabdeh nodded. “Just…”
“Are you willing to meet Samaira?” Ajabdeh’s heart skipped a beat at his question.
“What?” She looked unsure. Pratap cleared his throat. “I told her that you will feel more comfortable if I tell you everything and make you a part of this…”
“What?” Ajabdeh stepped back, looking displeased. “You went and told her I was petty or something? That I have an issue?” Pratap shook his head, throwing his arm in the air.
“No, no… umm… no, I just told her I can’t hang out until you are part of the …ummm…”
“You made me sound like the bad guy, didn’t you?” Ajabdeh gasped. “What made you think I am comfortable meeting her, or that she would be comfortable talking about her personal life with me?”
“I don’t know.” Pratap looked confused as he put his hands on his head. “At this point, I don’t even know what I do right. Everything seems wrong.”
“Just. Stop.” Ajabdeh breathed in. “You don’t have to fix anything.”
“If it is any consolation, I am not going to see her again.” Pratap shrugged. Ajabdeh nodded. “Good. Good.” She breathed in. “Goodnight.” Before he could speak anymore, she walked away. Heer watched Ajabdeh run upstairs as she followed her and knocked at her bedroom door.
“Jija?” She asked, scared. “Are you okay?” She turned the doorknob and entered, eyeing Ajabdeh, who was sitting on the edge of the bed, breathing heavily.
“What is wrong?” Heer almost whispered. Ajabdeh shook her head as she breathed in.
“How am I supposed to live with him? Spend my entire life sharing space with him? When he makes mistakes, it annoys me to the core. I can’t tolerate the sight of him then.” Heer nodded at her words. “Everyone feels that way.”
“I always envisioned a life where I would be the Boss, earn well, go on solo trips, and spoil my nieces and nephews. I never… Anything confrontational with him has so much uncertainty and fear. I hate that vulnerability. I hate that feeling that he might up and leave, realise his mistake.” She looked pale, and Heer hugged her.
“Jija, you care deeply and think more than you should.” She shook her head. “Dadabhai is not going anywhere. He is as determined as you are to make it work.”
“I’m afraid that we want to make it work because we have a point to prove out of stubbornness and not out of love.” Heer shook her head at Ajabdeh’s words. “But you do love each other?” Ajabdeh nodded. She knew she did; otherwise, she would not have let her world be turned upside down by everything Pratap said or did. “Rukaiya Aapa called. Maybe the jamming session is a good idea to get your mind off these things. Have you told him?”
“I’m afraid he will want to come along, and instead of it being something I do with my friends, it will again be a shared experience.” Ajabdeh shrugged. Heer thought for a while.
Pratap walked out of the home gym with a towel wrapped over his shoulder, sweaty and frustrated at dawn. He could not sleep all night, trying to figure out a way to mend things with Ajabdeh. He found her difficult to understand lately. He stopped in his tracks as she approached him, in her jogging pants and a vest.
“Since when do you…”
“It’s a start.” Ajabdeh smiled faintly. “I want to apologise for overreacting yesterday.” Pratap shook his head. “There’s no need. I should not have thrown you under the bus. I am sorry too.”
“We have been apologising a lot lately.” Ajabdeh sighed. “We should do something about it.” She walked up to the lawn chair on the terrace where Pratap’s breakfast was served as he sat down facing her. “Well, the vacation did not work.”
“Heer thinks it's because we spend all our time together at work and everywhere else.”
“Is it so?” Pratap raised his brows. “I thought we did not spend enough time.”
“Alone? Yes.” She nodded. “But that will change once we start living together.” Something was reassuring in her voice that made Pratap sigh, and the heaviness he felt from the uncertainty of the future left his chest. “But with everyone else…”
“What do you suggest?” He asked as Ajabdeh cleared his throat.
“We should try doing things for ourselves at our own times, and schedule couple activities like routines.” Pratap frowned upon her suggestion as she leaned in.
“Like before, we can meet once a week for reading… or go for a vacation over the weekends just to spend time with each other.” Pratap nodded at her suggestion. “On the rest of the days, post-work, you do your thing, and I will do mine. We won’t discuss the wedding or work at home at every chance we get. That is overwhelming us. I am obsessing over you.” Ajabdeh bit her lip as Pratap looked amused and tilted his head to observe her. “Excuse me?” He smiled. “You are obsessing over me?” Ajabdeh inhaled. “Fine, laugh about it.” She stood up to walk away as he held her back. “No, No. I’m not laughing at you. I am … flattered.” Ajabdeh eyed him, approached her, and she shook her head. “Stop that. You are sweaty.”
“So?” he shrugged.
“Everyone’s going to come out of their rooms any time.” Ajabdeh stepped back.
“So?” He asked, walking towards her.
“You can’t catch me.” She ran down the stairs as he followed and caught her by the pool as she giggled, “Let me go. Ew.” She shook her head. “I hate you.”
“No, you don’t.” He held her firmly. “I’m sorry I made you cry.”
“I did not cry, okay?” She shrugged. “I was just upset.”
“What a liar.” He tickled her as she warned him to stop before someone saw them.
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