Secret Desires

Oh, they sit around talking about the meaning of life and the book that just saved them that I hadn’t heard of - I bet you think about me.

“Are you sure?” Pratap raised his eyebrows as Jalal looked flustered. 

“I am. Of course, I didn’t mean it. It was a joke! Ajab knows that.” Jalal could sense Pratap’s jaws tightening at his words.

“It’s Ajab now, huh? Quite a friendship you two have.” Pratap almost taunted. This was when Jalal lost his cool.

“Yeah, we do, what is wrong with that? Should we take your permission to be friends or speak, or flirt?” Pratap looked a little flushed as he spoke: “Who are you anyway?”

“I didn’t mean… I don’t want you to get hurt. Any of you.” Pratap shook his head.

“Yeah, thanks for your concern, Pratap, but I will never hurt her the way you do.” Jalal didn’t mean for the words to come out the way he did, and Pratap immediately took it to his stride.

“Wow, what do you even mean? Is the purpose of my life to hurt Ajabdeh? Are you insane?” He retorted as Jalal held his palms up submissively.

“I am sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. Why are we fighting over her?” He looked irked. “Do you like her? Because if you do…”

“No, I don’t. She had a crush on me, and I am just a concerned friend.” His protest was loud and clear as Jalal nodded.

“I am a friend too; Pratap and I think we both want what’s best for her.” Jalal saw him nod. “We keep this… err… between us?” They nodded in agreement. “She doesn’t need to know.”

Shakti and Ajabdeh concentrated on their college applications after their farewell, while Pratap started looking for universities for Jalal and himself. Although Jalal was reluctant about the MBA plan, he was sure he could turn his choices around once he found a good two-year programme closer to home. It was on one such afternoon that Shakti dragged a reluctant Ajabdeh to Pratap in the study room for him to help them with their college applications.

“I am telling her it is too complicated to do alone without your help.” Shakti inferred that Ajabdeh looked at him rather disapprovingly.

“And I am telling you we should at least try.” She countered as Pratap looked up from his laptop at their banter.

“She is right, try for yourself first, then I will help.” He made his sibling frown as Ajabdeh looked pleasantly surprised and sat down on the carpet, putting her laptop on her lap and getting to work.

“There is plenty of room on the couch,” Shakti murmured, shaking his head as he sat down beside Pratap. Pratap looked at his smartwatch and frowned a little. “How much time does it take for you to fill out a form, Shakti? Ajabdeh, help him.” He looked at his sibling struggling with his admission form as he added, “I need to go talk to a friend about universities to apply to as well.”

“Oh, that new girlfriend of yours is waiting, is she?” Shakti chuckled as colour flushed from Ajabdeh’s face visibly. “Ajabdeh, help me.” Shakti looked confused. She gulped as though her throat went dry as she suddenly stood up and turned to leave. “I have to go pick up Heer. I almost forgot.” She shut her laptop and dashed out.

“She is not my girlfriend.” A loud protest came as she reached the threshold. “Not everything in the world is a joke, Shakti,” he scolded his brother a little more seriously than usual. “Stop prying.”

“I was just…” Ajabdeh didn’t know what excuse Shakti made or how the conversation went. She ran back down the stairs, across the poolside and went home. She looked at herself, rather annoyed, in the mirror as her eyes swelled up. What is wrong with you, Ajabdeh? How is it wrong for him to move on to another girl? Were you daydreaming again? Did you forget that he can never love you? Take what it is, a friendship, a partnership… Ajabdeh wiped away her tears and opened her social media. There was a group picture Jalal had posted recently, and there were only two girls in it. One of them was engaged. Must be the other. Soon her hand was brushing over the name and picture of this girl, and she groaned inwardly. What was she doing? She dreaded the next Friday, but not showing up would make him suspicious, and she couldn’t do that. Perhaps she could make an excuse for the admissions and stop their reading sessions. But would he not be smart enough to know that? Ajabdeh braced herself for another sleepless night as a thousand scenarios played in her head. Sooner or later, he would introduce her to the family. Again, the loop of trips, celebrations and festivities would start where she would have to put up a happy face and watch him with another woman. Was this going to be her life now?

Pratap was not sure she would show up at the library, especially after Shakti’s little fiasco and her ignoring him for the rest of the week. She was at the poolside with Heer when the moment he greeted her sister, she left with the excuse that her mother needed help. She came home to accompany Shakti on their first day of college, but as soon as she heard his car drive up to the house, she hurried out. He tried to reach out via messages, first wishing her the best for college, which received a formal thanks and then found no reason or excuse to message her anymore. So, he sent a silly joke to the group they had on WhatsApp, and everyone except her reacted to it. Pratap didn’t want to over-explain his position, but neither did he want her to feel that he was with someone. He couldn’t understand why it suddenly became so important for him not to be misunderstood by her. He was glad to see her on the staircase and smiled immediately as he approached her. 

Ajabdeh turned, with her face devoid of emotion as she unlocked the door and walked into the room, followed by him in silence. The moment they sat down after choosing their new books, Pratap cleared his throat.

“She is not my girlfriend.” He gathered that he should start there: “Shakti was just fooling around.”

“Don’t worry, I am not going to tell Ranima.” Her voice seemed distant as she didn’t look up at him from her book.

“I didn’t think you would.” He shook his head. “I am… telling you.” Her hand stopped at the leaf she was about to turn on her book as she looked up at him. 

Before she could utter another word, the electricity went off, making them frown in the darkness. It was Pratap who promptly got up to go to the grounds and ask the guards to check. Ajabdeh followed with her book in hand, after carefully locking the door behind her. She knew that it would wake her mother and Heer up. It turned out that the electrical unit had burned for some odd reason, cutting off the power supply in the house. The inspectors said it would take a day, and Jaivanta immediately suggested that they stay in her house for the night. Ajabdeh helped Heer pack the bare necessities as they shifted to the guest room they shared in the Sisodiya house, next to another allotted to their parents. Dadi was comfortable in a ground-floor room that once belonged to her friend. The night turned into a mini holiday as Shakti made plans for the family to gather on the rooftop. The pleasant breeze and moonlight made the weather comfortable, and the aroma of food and light-hearted laughter filled the air.

“Sometimes such accidents are good; it gives us quality time; otherwise, all of us are so busy.” Pratap heard his father speak as the others agreed. Heer and Shakti were busy at the barbecue, and sitting on the parapet, he eyed Ajabdeh arranging the plates on the table beside the barbecue. He heard the parents talk of everything from gossip to politics and reminisced about their childhood while he looked up at the star-studded, clear night sky with the moon shining brightly over them. There was a feeling of peace in the scene, a feeling of belonging. Home. He saw her approach him, her gaze avoiding his, as she handed him his plate. He murmured a thanks, but she didn’t respond. Pratap felt an urgency of desperation to make her believe his truth. Why? He couldn’t tell. Perhaps, although he had concluded that their friendship was the closest he could allow himself to get to her, there was a part of him that wished she knew what he felt without him saying so.

As the night progressed, one by one, they all started retiring for the night, and Pratap offered to clean up after them for the servants who had left. Hansa immediately ordered Ajabdeh to stay back as Shakti eyed her for making an excuse for college the next day. Although Jaivanta said Pratap could manage alone, Hansa insisted she helped him, and so she did, leaving them on the roof alone, while the others retired for the night. 

“Our conversation remained unfinished.” His words made her stop picking up the plates.

“No, it didn’t. I heard what you said.” Ajabdeh shook her head with her back to him, “And I reassured you I won’t tell Ranima or Bade Papa about…”

“It is not about them.” His words were firm enough to silence her and make her heart skip a beat. She wanted to avoid the elephant in the room at all costs. If it was all that was needed to save the equation they had. 

“Alright.” She left the dishes on the table and started walking towards the stairs. 

Pratap followed, crossing the threshold in urgency, as he caught hold of her wrist and turned her around, pinning her between himself and the wall.

“Let me finish…” he almost whispered to her ears as she could now feel his breath, and his eyes sparkled in the faint light of the moon that escaped through the window. 

“Don’t.” Ajabdeh almost pleaded. A sudden emptiness gripped Pratap as his lips found hers as if to fill in the void he was feeling. Ajabdeh froze, her lips parting almost involuntarily at his touch. His hand moved from her wrist to her waist, drawing her figure closer to his, his leg resting between her knees, which somehow felt weak. As his free hand removed her locks of brown hair and rested on her cheek, cupping her face at an angle closer to his. Ajabdeh let out a gasp for air as their lips parted, and he moved away just a bit to let her run down the stairs to the house. She stopped at the portico balcony, between the rows of potted plants that his mother gardened as a hobby and could sense him walk up behind her.

“Someone might…” She managed before his lips found the bare skin on her shoulder and gasped again.

“Let them…” He murmured, almost pleading, as he nibbled at her earlobes. He turned her around by her waist, as she crashed into him, eyes meeting in desires that had built up a storm in their hearts. Was it lust? Was it an attraction? Simple infatuation? Or love? The thoughts and doubts in Ajabdeh’s mind were buried further into her subconscious with each move of his, savouring her like he had waited for it, for ages.