String of the Heart
“Stop fidgeting, you will be fine.” She looked up at Rukaiya’s words as she smiled at her. Ajabdeh put her guitar down and hugged Rukaiya.
“Thank you for coming.” She spoke with a smile, “I doubted Aunty would let you.”
“Jalal convinced her, I came with him. Ya Allah, Ajabdeh, you are shivering. Calm down.”
“It is my first solo performance.” She cleared her throat.
“I wouldn’t have suggested it if you weren’t ready.” Jalal walked up to them. “Now you have to make sure I am proved right.” She nodded back to him. A smile appeared once again on Ajabdeh’s lips. She loved challenges. He knew that.
In the past two years, ever since Pratap and Jalal stepped out of school and into college, she and Jalal had become good friends. Whether it was because Jalal was mature enough to say the right things Shakti never did, or Pratap being occupied with Samaira led him to her, the way Shakti’s suspiciously growing interest in helping Heer made her befriend him, she couldn’t tell. Jalal hugged her sideways, reassuringly patting her head. “All the best.” He picked up the guitar and handed it to her.
“And remember, if you don’t enjoy singing, neither will the audience enjoy your performance.”
“We will be right there cheering for you,” Rukaiya added reassuringly “You are the best in whatever you do, so you will be fine.”
“Oh, stop worshipping her!” Jalal’s words made Rukaiya frown as he chuckled. Ajabdeh nodded at her with a smile as Jalal and Rukaiya left her alone to go back to find a place in the audience. Ajabdeh looked across the room to see Pratap with her sister. He seemed to motivate her as Shakti watched on; Samaira walked in, and, almost as if to show off, she slipped her hand into his while he talked to Heer. He didn’t even notice it. Samaira glanced over her shoulder almost directly at Ajabdeh. She immediately looked away. She often wondered why Samaira was so cold. What did she assume about Ajabdeh? That she was someone with evil intentions, trying to steal her boyfriend? Did she not see how cold and rude he always was to her? If it was one person in the world Pratap was irked at the sight of, Ajabdeh was sure it had to be her. She had seen Pratap introduce her to Ranima and Bade Papa on Diwali. Watching Ranima bless her suddenly made her feel…empty? One by one, every little thing she daydreamed of through her teen years seemed to shatter in front of her eyes. She was perhaps growing up faster than she intended to. Ajabdeh had seen more of Pratap and Samaira than she wished to. It was inevitable, for the festivities and celebrations and family trips were all together. She never bothered to talk to either of them as her sister did, but she also hoped all the hurt would finally heal her heart in some odd way, and she would finally move on. But every time she saw Pratap help someone in need, volunteer in an animal shelter or spend time with the siblings, protecting them, helping the mothers with chores most people his age would ignore, Ajabdeh found herself smiling and cursed herself. She remembered the Diwali when he wore a white Kurta and all the girls were ogling at him. She had just started lighting the Diyas in the hallway like Ranima and Maasa wanted her to. She almost burnt her finger before Shakti jolted her out of her daydream. She had looked up to find him noticing that too before Pratap’s face wore an annoyed frown as he walked away. What was wrong with her? Why could she not get over him? Jalal would smile at her at times when she carefully avoided talking about him, as if he knew what was going on in her mind. It annoyed her, too.
Ajabdeh concentrated back on her guitar strings and hummed the lyrics of the song she was going to perform when she sensed Samaira approach her, with a reluctant Pratap.
“You are performing too?” She looked up from her guitar at the girl observing her well-done curls and dress, holding back her eyes from wandering to him, as she nodded with a faint smile at her.
“Well, all the best! Pratap, wish her the best.” Ajabdeh looked at his awkward face at her words. He was always like that around her ever since he found out… Ajabdeh was used to it by now.
“I… yeah… all the best…” He mouthed, carefully avoiding eye contact as she nodded.
“Thank you. Both of you.”
“So, what are you performing? Solo, I heard.” Ajabdeh had no idea why Samaira wanted to talk with her.
“It's… Taylor Swift.” She wished her name would be called soon, and she could skip the conversation.
“Ah, Jalal must have put you up to this?” Ajabdeh frowned at her choice of words. “He doesn’t like me anyway.” She murmured almost to herself.
“Pardon?” Ajabdeh’s tone was firm.
“Samaira, we should go.” Pratap interrupted as Samaira shook her head.
“I am talking to her, aren’t I, Pratap?” She glanced back at Ajabdeh. “What I mean is…”
“We won’t get a seat, Samaira.” Pratap almost dragged her away, giving Ajabdeh one final, almost apologetic glance over his shoulder and before Ajabdeh had a moment to think about it, her name was called.
The worst part of the school fest was that it was under the sun, and one could see every minute reaction of the audience when they performed. Not something Ajabdeh was sure of. Then she remembered Jalal’s tips on stage fear. She sat down on the high chair in the middle of the stage and adjusted her mic. She could see the familiar faces in the first row, and most of the others seemed shocked that she wanted to go for a solo performance. She closed her eyes and started strumming.
“...I am in my room on a typical Tuesday night,
Listening to the kind of music she doesn’t like…
She will never know your story like I do…”
For a moment, Pratap was taken aback. He had never heard her sing except humming in between chores, never been to any of the chorus performances she performed in and had no idea she jammed with Jalal and his band. Every note she sang, every word she uttered, seemed to fit perfectly with her voice. He was captivated by her voice and by the fact that she looked at her audience, yet she didn’t. She enjoyed the music, she playfully let her locks flip while strumming the guitar and smiled at the song. Before the songs ended, the audience seemed to groove to her beats as they sang along.
“This is me praying that
This was the very first page,
Not where the storyline ends.
My thoughts will echo your name
Until I see you again,
These are the words I held back,
Coz I was leaving too soon
I was enchanted to meet you.”
What he didn’t notice was how Samaira observed him appreciating Ajabdeh. Samaira had never seen him smile like that when she danced, never seen his eyes sparkle with pride. What was he proud of? She assumed he never liked Ajabdeh in the first place. But then could she shrug off the history? How she noticed his mother treat her like a daughter, and she knew her way around his place? How his brother depended on her? How she shared her childhood with him? The inside jokes of the group? The cousins who doted on her? She had noticed it all, and it had become more and more apparent to her. Pratap always changed the topic whenever she talked about the future. He almost freaked out when she said her elder sister was getting married, and her cousins teased her that she was next in line. Samaira stared back at the stage where Ajabdeh was singing the lines of “The Way I Loved You.
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you!
She hated Ajabdeh almost blindly for her feelings, but she was blind to how perhaps Pratap instigated it, for what… Did he feel validated because Ajabdeh liked him? Did he feel the same way? What was stopping him then? His silly promises to her or something more? Did he even see himself in the mirror? By the end of the performance, Samaira had made up her mind. She needed to have one last conversation with him. But before that, she needed to apologise to Ajabdeh for her behaviour in the past few years.
Ajabdeh removed the earpiece and handed it back to one of the volunteers before reaching her bag and grabbing a clutch to bun her hair up in a mess. She was quick to remove her rings and earrings next as she sat down on the bench to pack her bag. She had to wait for Heer’s performance before they headed home. Footsteps behind her made her anticipate that it was perhaps Jalal, and she turned with a smile only to see Pratap. Suddenly, Ajabdeh was awkward about her surroundings as she took a step back and almost discreetly glanced over his shoulder to check that he was alone. Pratap saw the smile disappear from her face as she looked anxious.
“I just came here to say… your performance was really good, I didn’t know you…” He managed with a smile.
“Jalal helped.” He frowned at her words slightly. He didn’t even know Jalal, and she hung out so much. “He said it's time to go solo.”
“He's… right. Congratulations. I hope you continue to perform.” Pratap toned down his enthusiasm to formality as Ajabdeh smiled, looking up at his still awkward face. “Thank you.” A moment of silence passed as he was unsure of what more to say. Ajabdeh rubbed her hands together, waiting for a few seconds, and then smiled, almost amused at his awkwardness.
“Where is Samaira?” Her question made him look up with a faint smile. “She went to say goodbye to her friends… I… should go find her.” Ajabdeh nodded at his words as he turned to leave.
“Ummm… Pratap?” He glanced over his shoulder as she called out his name, “You don’t have to run from me every time. I am not going to harm you or her.” Although Ajabdeh said it with a chuckle, her eyes sparkled. He stopped on his track and opened his mouth to protest. Ajabdeh didn’t let him. Instead, she turned around and pretended to be busy with her bag, letting his footsteps recede down the hallway.
Ajabdeh was soon waiting by Jalal’s car for Heer and the others to go home with. She suddenly found the backstage area suffocating and needed fresh air. She paced the parking lot a little and checked her messages. Someone posted her performance on social media, and there were tons of congratulatory messages from friends and family she needed to attend to.
Ajabdeh looked up as a figure approached her. It was Samaira. Ajabdeh’s jaws tightened as she made up her mind to ask her what she meant before the performance and give her a piece of her mind.
“I am sorry.” Samaira’s words made her frown. That was unexpected. “I was mean to you.”
“I…” Ajabdeh looked confused. “It’s okay.” She wondered what had happened. Did Pratap say something? Why would he when he hadn’t stopped her bullies ever?
“I mean it, Ajabdeh, I was wrong about everything…” Ajabdeh was suddenly jolted as Samaira held her hand. “I thought he loved me.” Ajabdeh’s frown changed to astonishment as her throat went dry. “He does.” She managed, “Everyone knows that.” Samaira smiled at her words. Ajabdeh couldn’t quite decipher what it meant as she turned and walked away, and Ajabdeh saw her leave.
“Hey, Rockstar! Congratulations.” She turned to see Jalal with Rukaiya, Heer and Shakti at a distance, as he smiled at her. “What happened? You look like you just saw a ghost!” Ajabdeh shook her head and murmured her excuses for being tired.
It wasn’t till after the party at a friend’s house that Samaira found Pratap alone when he was about to drop her off at home.
“We need to talk.” Her words made his brows shoot up.
“Am I in trouble?” He asked with an amused chuckle.
“Be serious, Pratap. And answer me. Why me?” Samaira’s eyes sparkled as he frowned cluelessly.
“Matlab?” Pratap couldn’t place what her question meant.
“Why are you with me?” She asked again as he smiled, holding her hand as she resisted a little. “You are smart, you are beautiful, you are…”
“I am not her.” Samaira smiled faintly “Then why not her?” Pratap feigned being clueless.
“Her? Who her?” Samaira lost her cool. She stepped out of the car in the parking lot and slammed the door, making him follow her.
“Have you ever looked at me with the pride you saw her with today?”
“But… that’s because I have known her since childhood. I didn’t know she could pull it off so … nicely.” Pratap carefully avoided the word beautifully.
“So, you know who her!” Samaira shrugged. “Is it my fault I haven’t known you since childhood?”
“I didn’t say that, Samaira.”
“Then why does it bother you so much that she and Jalal are friends? Why did it bother you when she almost burnt her hand on Diwali? Or when those friends of yours were bullying her in Holi?”
“Are you seriously accusing me like that?” Pratap shook his head. “I have grown up being the eldest and always being protective of Heer and Shakti, and some of it has rubbed off on her.”
“Really? Now you are her protective brother?” Samaira almost laughed sarcastically. “Tell me you didn’t know she sang the emotions so well because she lived them, Pratap. Tell me you don’t see it.”
“How does it matter? How does it matter if she cares or not? If she remembers my allergies or dislikes, or tries to help around the house? I am with you, aren’t I? Isn’t that enough?”
“Did anyone ever tell you that there is a possibility that you do like her back and don’t admit it?” Samaira asked as Pratap gasped.
“Have you been talking to Jalal?” His suspicious words made her step back. “So, I was not alone.” She folded her arms to her chest and had a suggestive tone.
“What are you even saying? Is it because I praised her today? Are you jealous?” Pratap frowned. “That is cute…” He tried to downplay her seriousness with a chuckle.
“You think I am that shallow, Pratap? I observed everything. I knew you liked me, or perhaps I suited your idea of a perfect girlfriend. But you chose the very day everyone was talking about her crush on you to confess. And I didn’t even know of it. Why? Did you want to hurt her? Was it more about her than us? It always was like that. I noticed everything and ignored them. How you avoided talking of the future, how easily you promised you wouldn’t engage in conversations with her, yet care just enough to check on her behind her back. How you always flaunted me to your family and friends whenever she was around. What’s stopping you from seeing the mirror, Pratap? What’s stopping you from accepting what is?” Samaira’s tears shook him as he walked up to soothe her. As soon as his finger reached for the teardrop in her cheek, she brushed his hand away and looked away.
“What do you want me to do?” he asked almost helplessly. Samaira looked up at him and smiled.
“So, at least you are not denying it; that is a start.” Pratap sighed at her taunt.
“I don’t hate her if that is what you are asking.” He nodded, “But nothing more can happen ever. I can reassure you of that.”
“And why is that?” Samaira composed herself and asked, crossing her arms to her chest.
“Because our families share a complicated personal and professional equation. She is going to be the next CEO. That is how the company is structured. I have to work under her, and if emotions screw things up… it can’t happen. Our grandfathers worked hard to give us this…” He looked up at Samaira’s face, and it looked like she was staring at him with pity in her eyes.
“That is your reason?” Samaira smiled, shaking her head a little, “To hurt Ajabdeh?”
“Why are you suddenly bringing this up?” Pratap looked annoyed. “Yes, I wasn’t completely truthful, but now I am. The fact is also that I love you, I have grown with you in these two years, and you are…. Perfect for me. We are perfect for each other. Where is the lie?” Samaira smiled at his words.
“I am sorry, Pratap.” She said almost in a murmur.
“But… please Sam…” Pratap almost pleaded. What would he tell everyone?
“The truth is, no matter how perfect I am, to you, I will always be second best.” She shook her head slightly, “And I deserve better.”
“No… Sam… I…”
“Please drop me home, Pratap.” She was calm. “And let's part ways amicably.” That was the last time Pratap saw Samaira.
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