Rukaiya's Story

And all the pages are just slipping through my hands - Bye bye Baby.

It had been years since school and college were over, and yet Rukaiya found it hard to exist in their world. Humayun had convinced her mother that once she finished her degree and joined their business, he would find a suitable groom for her. A groom who would bring with him the pedigree of a dynasty and the wealth and contacts of a reputed industry, as Sultanam reminded her daughter. Rukaiya had been sceptical about the idea. She had never experienced love. The little she got closer to it when she found herself smiling at Shakti’s messages and wanting to be around him to soothe her anxiety. Before she could even process the feeling further, Rukaiya realised how they sought different things. Shakti was childish, overprotected, and often didn’t even know what he wanted. Rukaiya wanted to be the daughter her father wanted her to be. It meant marrying a man her elders chose for her and living a life of a quiet housewife like her mother. Her parents were conservative and wanted her to be a good wife and mother eventually. She had let go of her dream of a career for her mother’s sake. She never told a soul. She was happy when she observed Jalal and Ajabdeh get closer after Pratap left for a few years. But amidst all that, there were times she felt alone and misunderstood. They tried their best to include her, and yet she never felt at home since she had left her childhood behind in Lucknow. What further caused an existential crisis was the constant array of suitors who visited them. Hearing that she was not a part of Humayun’s business or properties and that her father was only a distant relative with a lesser pedigree, they didn’t take things any further with excuses. Some who crossed that line often said she was too pale, too thin or too timid, her features weren’t sharp, or she wasn’t presentable. Every time she sat down in front of the mirror, being dressed up by her mother and Hamida Mamijaan, she knew she was yet to face another rejection. Still, she saw the ladies enthusiastically hope that this time around, something would be different. Yet it never was. She didn’t want to worry Jalal. He was the only one in the family who bothered to check on her after every episode of the same drama. So, she smiled and lied to him. She was fine and focused on her internship. She had joined Humayun’s business as an intern. The idea of marriage and family was her mother’s. Her heart broke again and again seeing her mother shed tears and remember her father. Was she the cause of all her woes? All her life, Sultanam had dedicated herself to her daughter. Did she not deserve a little relief? Rukaiya knew everyone around her didn’t understand her position. They were a lot more privileged than her. But with each passing day, the existential crisis increased, as did her lack of self-confidence. Each scar, each flaw and each line of her body seemed to taunt her about the fact that no matter how much she was being helped, she was a beauty-less, penniless soul in a world where only that mattered. She lived all her life in the mercy of others. She never had anything that made her life stand out. She would never find love. Her nights were spent sleeplessly, and days pretending that everything was fine. With each passing day, she grew tired of her existence. She wanted to reach out. Perhaps tell Jalal or Ajabdeh everything. But something in her stopped her. She saw how they held jam sessions at home, enjoyed baking together, and even went on impromptu trips, and something made her feel her issues weren’t worth interfering in Jalal’s space, especially when what he had waited so long for was finally happening to him. So, she struggled with her issues on her own and tried hard to cope. The anxiety led her to secretly take up counselling. She knew if anyone found out about it, they would be concerned or perhaps even ashamed of her, so nobody knew of it. On occasional weekends, she would go on trips with Jalal, Ajabdeh, Shakti and Heer and most of the time she would lie about not making it to a party or event because she was busy with work or newfound friends. They were relieved to know she was making other friends and didn’t enquire much into it. The truth was something hard for her to explain. How could she explain that there were days when she didn’t feel like getting out of bed or even living? She had no reason for these sudden mood swings, yet she felt terrible. Almost guilty that she was provided with opportunities most people would want, yet she was doing nothing with those. They were a waste on her. Rukaiya genuinely hoped that perhaps someday she would be able to explain it to someone. Someone who would love, care and respect her the way she was. She wouldn’t need to be aware of what she wore or how she walked or talked. The therapist suggested she keep a journal, especially when she felt low and cried in her room. Rukaiya began to fill page after page with ink, in words and emotions ranted haphazardly across the diaries. The diaries slowly became her friends, and the more she poured into them, the more she distanced herself from her friends. Her excuses grew, and so did her loneliness. There was a time when Jalal used to sit with her, savouring the Kebabs they experimented with for hours, and talking of life. He always reassured her with his words and actions that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her, and anyone would be lucky to have her. But ever since Ajabdeh took up a lot of his time and he got into his new passion of photography, Rukaiya found her time with him was often limited to family dinners or events. She didn’t complain because she saw Jalal’s happiness every time he talked about something crazy Ajabdeh said or did. She just wished that someday someone would talk of her as he did about Ajabdeh. Was she jealous? No, probably angry. Angry because in her heart she knew Ajabdeh never saw Jalal the way he did her, and she never appreciated the little things he took care of for her. Rukaiya did. She did because she missed his presence in her life ever since they stepped over the threshold of school, and she had no clue why Pratap had left so suddenly. The next thing she knew, she was stuck between the couple in a friend’s group. Now that Jalal was with Ajabdeh at her cousin’s wedding, she had overheard Hamida talk to Sultanam about talking about the wedding with the Punwars. One thing she was sure of was that Ajabdeh herself wasn’t ready for it. But she was. Yet the universe was playing this cruel joke on her.