Let Go For Good

I know you by heart, and you don’t even know where I start. - Come in with the Rain

“Who told you to confide in him? Is he your guardian?” Jalal looked up from the wooden floor of his hotel room to see Ajabdeh’s visibly irked face as she paced the room.

“You said I can tell him.” He frowned. Ajabdeh inhaled, closing her eyes to calm herself. 

“I did, but I meant when and if he asked. Why do you feel answerable to him?” Jalal looked confused at her words. He got up from his couch and cleared his throat.

“Well, we were just talking… he said he was single, so I…” Jalal tried to underplay the events.

“What is done is done.” He observed. “It’s okay. Let's go down for dinner.” He tried to walk up to Ajabdeh and hold her shoulder, while she shrugged it off. 

“It is not okay.” She retorted, “You don’t understand.” She looked at him briefly with regret. He didn’t understand how the explanation of his relationship with her to Pratap appeared as if he was probably in the wrong. Or that they needed some kind of consent from him. Worse, what if Pratap, in his narcissism, thought it was her ill attempt at getting back at him? She didn’t even want to give him the satisfaction of a reaction of hatred or revenge. It was nothing. He was nothing. And Jalal successfully screwed it up. 

“What do you want me to do? Apologize? Or go back in time to change things?” Jalal now looked displeased. He was trying to be understanding, but he was tired of always being the more understanding person. He knew very well how many times he let Ajabdeh walk over his feelings and actions and justified her to himself in his head.

“You don’t do the things you are supposed to and then go screw up others. I don’t understand why you are such a coward in front of him always?” Ajabdeh’s words made him lose his cool. He was picking up some clothes to keep back in his suitcases when her words made him stop as he threw them on the floor, narrowing his eyes and looking up at her. 

“Really? Am I a coward?” His question was met with a firm reply. 

“Yes, you are. For the past three years, you have been telling Humayun uncle every day that you don’t want a position in the company but want to be a photographer. You are using Rukaiya as an excuse to delay what you have to face.”

“I am not using Rukaiya as an excuse. How can you say that? You know how many people rejected…”

“But that is her life, Jalal! You have to stand up for yourself!” Ajabdeh raised her voice as his jaws tightened. 

“Well, I did that a while ago, and you seem to have an issue with it.” Jalal retorted, facing her. “What is the problem, Ajabdeh? Who is the coward here?”

“Don’t make it about me, you always do this. You make it about others when it's you who has to own up to his…”

“Don’t teach me about owning up, alright? For as far as I remember, you are the one who is the most escapist among us. I did own up to a lot of things, and where has it got me?” Jalal suddenly had a faint smile on his lips that made Ajabdeh frown.

“Rukaiya was right, you know? You could never even act like you care.” Ajabdeh looked a little pale at his words as her throat felt dry. 

“That is not true. I care.” She defended herself, but her voice shook unsurely. Jalal approached her, his eyes on her as he smiled again.

“Is that enough, Ajab? What are we doing here? What are we even… “He inhaled. “There is no future here. There is no present even. I don’t want to be someone you parade around for your benefit.”

“I am not…”

“But you are. Do you love me, Ajabdeh? Have you ever?” Jalal made her eyes sparkle a little. “Can you even lie that you did?” Ajabdeh looked away as Jalal continued to stare at her.

“I loved you.” He said aloud for the first time as a shiver ran down Ajabdeh’s spine. Every time he was on the verge of saying it, Ajabdeh always stopped and distracted him. He realised that enough not to bring it up again until that day. “But Rukaiya was right. I loved a girl who had your face. But the idea of her in my head was far different from this.” He shook his head as she looked up at him. “I loved someone who cared, who was intelligent, self-esteemed and kind. She wasn’t selfish. You are.”

“Jalal….”

“You hurt me time and again, and I never saw you walk over anyone else the way you did with me. Perhaps it is my fault that I let you. I knew in my head that sooner or later, all the issues I swept under the rug would come up, and I dreaded ending things with you. But look at you, Ajab, look how you have been behaving since he came here. Aren’t you running away from something as well?” Jalal stopped, as he seemed to forget how to breathe. He inhaled a few times and pacified his heart. Ajabdeh was teary-eyed. For the first time, Jalal realised it didn’t bother him anymore that she was hurt. “You have no idea…” Ajabdeh murmured, but Jalal interrupted her.

“I told Pratap I won’t ever hurt you. I was wrong, and I am sorry, but…”

“No, I am sorry. I am so sorry, Jalal. I was so caught up in my mess and my feelings that I didn’t see what I put you through. I took you for granted, and I shouldn’t have…” Ajabdeh stopped to wipe the tears that trickled down her cheeks as she breathed in. 

“Let's face one truth between us. Ajab, nobody can replace him in your life. You tried, and I appreciate it. But I think you helped me fall out of love with you.” Jalal’s words made her look up at him and nod in silence. A sudden fear of losing him still gripped her heart. He was the only person she had apart from Shakti who knew her inside out. Could she lose him?

“We are still going to be friends, right?” She asked, unsurely, as he smiled again, holding her shoulders firmly with both his hands.

“Of course, silly. We are friends and always will be. We just can’t be anything else. For the better.” Ajabdeh nodded silently as she hugged him one last time. For the first time, Jalal felt like her hug was genuine and that she didn’t want to let him go. He hugged her back, placing his chin gently over her head and pacifying her sobs, reassuring her constant apologies with his kindness. That was all he could now offer to her. He deserved better, and a part of him knew Ajabdeh was right. It was time to face some reality. 

“I'd better leave.” He said at last as she broke away from the hug with a frown.

“Why?” She asked almost in a reflex. “Stay for the wedding.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. We need to stay away from each other. Before I pity you and change my mind.” The last bit sounded like a joke as he chuckled to lighten the mood and wiped away her remaining tears. 

“You will be fine.” He reassured her. “You are capable of handling yourself on your own; you are stronger than you think.”

“Thank you.” Ajabdeh’s genuine words made him nod as he stepped back and went to his luggage to arrange it. 

“Your mother will be pleased,” he said at last, as she helped him pack in silence. “She didn’t like me much anyway.” He was trying to lighten the mood as she appeared grim, but a faint smile escaped her lips. She was about to protest when both their phones rang, and they frowned at it.

Pratap was drawing the curtains of his room before he headed downstairs for dinner and braced himself mentally to see Ajabdeh, after so long, in the arms of his friend, when his hand stopped at the window pane. He saw the garden path down to the car park from his window and two figures rushing out, almost running to the cars. One was Jalal, and behind him was Ajabdeh. He could only see her back, her hair in a mess, and she appeared to be in a jumpsuit, but he could sense an urgency in their body language. What could be wrong? The moment he thought of it, a knock resonated on his door, once, twice and the third time. He rushed to open it, to find Shakti standing at his threshold in a state of panic, almost gasping for breath.

“It’s Rukaiya.” He managed. “They are saying she tried to kill herself.”

“What?” Pratap thought he had heard wrong when Shakti explained what Ajabdeh told him, in a hurry. 

The family was at some charity event, and Rukaiya was home alone. When they returned, they were informed by the servants that she had skipped her dinner and locked herself in her room. It was Humayun who ordered them to break the door after getting no responses and finding her unconscious on the bed. On the bedside table was a letter and an empty bottle of pills. She was rushed to the hospital to pump the pills out of her system and was in danger. The police were also there, and Jalal and Ajabdeh left to be with the family in Delhi. 

“Should we go?” Shakti asked as Pratap seemed to be in shock and at a loss for words.

“Of course.” Pratap agreed as he grabbed his phone and purse. “We should.”