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Kalindi stood looking at the Ganga in the distance as Trilochon watched her. It was later in the night, and the stars were veiling the clear summer sky. A cool breeze blew from the Ganga, relaxing Kalindi’s restless heart as she took a stroll. Trilochon had spotted her in the garden from his balcony and walked up to her. She did not turn as he came up behind her and cleared his throat.
“I apologise for storming off like that.” He was the first to speak. Kalindi inhaled.
“Have you heard that she went to borrow a saree from Bouma to wear to some party?” Kalindi spoke rather monotonously.
“Yes, Bouma said so.” Trilochon cleared his throat. He left out the part where Asha enthusiastically told him about Bondita blushing and her idea of telling Bondita to confess her feelings. Instead, Trilochon added, “The senior is very influential. He can have some good contacts for Bondita. Perhaps enough for her to get a job in Kolkata, like you wanted.” Kalindi could hear through his unconvincing words as she smiled faintly.
“I am not going to stop her from going there if you are afraid of that.” Trilochon heaved a sigh of relief as she added, “But you can’t let Bouma fill her mind with other ideas. I don’t want my Bondita to get hurt.”
“Nobody wants that, Kalindi. Not us, and most of all not Aniruddha himself. But I want to know if you would be a hindrance or obstruct the idea if they… Bondita would never go against your will.” Trilochon spoke with all sincerity.
“So you will guilt me into agreeing to something I do not agree to?” Kalindi frowned. “I told her to stay back in Kolkata. I said I would go live with her. But she…”
“Why did she come back, Kalindi?” Trilochon asked, making her stop, “It was not for you; you had offered to go with her. Think about it.” Kalindi shook her head. “It cannot happen.”
“Why not?” Trilochon looked displeased. “Before today, you were never so vocal about not finding our family as a suitable fit for her.”
“It was different.” Kalindi nodded calmly.
“How?” He asked.
“Every woman has dreams when it comes to where she will be married.” Kalindi looked up as Trilochon nodded.
“Yes, and you can’t decide for her just because someone else decided for you. Did you want that?” Trilochon shook his head.
“This is not about me.” Kalindi’s jaws stiffened. “As it is not about you either.”
“I know it is not. I lost my chances when it was supposed to be.”
“Let’s not go there again… there is no point, is there?” Kalindi cleared her throat.
“There is Kalindi, the point that we know better. They are a reflection of us, and how we raised them, whether we like it or not.” Trilochon’s hold on his cane tightened.
“Do you not think this is your way of trying to justify or do away with your mistakes?” Kalindi sounded miffed.
“Never, I can never do away with my mistakes. I have lived with the burden and guilt of the same my entire life.” Trilochon said in sincerity.
“Then I don’t understand your…” Kalindi shook her head.
“It is a wish, Kalindi, a secret wish. Perhaps a chance that the Almighty has blessed the Roy Chowdhury house to bring home a Lakshmi they once rejected. My home had not been quite prosperous until Bondita came and mended things. Money and power could never do away with the bitterness between people, the lack of warmth or the embrace of loneliness each of us felt in that house till she came along. The house is not a home without her, and I hope Aniruddha realises that before it's too late.”
“If he realises that… I hope he does not impose his feelings on her, and neither do you.” Kalindi sounded unsure. She knew of the way she infused the feeling of gratefulness in Bondita that now scared her. What if she agreed to something they expected of her rather than what she truly wanted?
“She is not someone anyone can impose on, Kalindi, you know better than that. But if she does feel the same way…”
“She will have to talk to me first. Get off the clouds of unreal romance and learn the harsh realities she would get herself into if she stays with him. You can ignore the differences, but I can’t. She is as stubborn as he, and that is not a good sign to cohabitate.” Kalindi was firm.
“Our Bondita is more intelligent than you think, Kalindi. Give her some credit for it. You are her guardian, of course, you should share your concerns with her. But promise me if they do want to be together and she comes to tell you that, they will have your blessings.”
“Fine. I will not stand in the way of her happiness if that is what you are worried about.” Kalindi watched Trilochon leave, satisfied with how the conversation went.
Kalindi walked back home to find Bondita in her room, humming a tune while she matched her blouses with the saree Asha had given her. Kalindi stood by the threshold of the room, briefly observing Bondita’s radiant face. She stopped humming the tune as soon as she noticed Kalindi at the threshold and enthusiastically invited her into her messy room.
“Come and see, Thamma. Boudi gave me this saree to wear to the party.” She smiled as Kalindi nodded silently, “ She insisted on her jewellery too, but I was thinking…”
“What kind of a party is this?” Kalindi cleared her throat as she eyed the picture of them on her desk.
“It is a private anniversary party of a senior, but there will be a lot of people there with whom I can be introduced,” Bondita said as she piled up her clothes to be put back into the cupboard. “I was thinking of getting an almirah for the room, the ones with mirrors on, what do you think?” Kalindi did not want to divert the topic of discussion.
“And how does Aniruddha Babu know them?” Bondita was busy sorting out her things as she did not look up from the chores and responded, “The senior was his first boss. He is now going to be a judge in the High Court. He has a lot of connections.”
“And why is Aniruddha Babu taking you to a private party?” Bondita’s hand stopped at her work as she glanced over her shoulder at Kalindi’s speculative tone. She skipped a heartbeat when she remembered Ashalata’s words that everyone could see them. Honestly, Bondita had nothing to tell Thamma or Jyatha Moshai. Aniruddha had not said anything for her to tell them. The only difference was that she was perhaps hiding her feelings less than she used to, comfortable about the fact that it did not offend him when he saw through her. There was something playful about discovering this side of him, which made a move, expecting her reciprocation, and at the same time, was surprised by it. Truth be said, Bondita was discovering this new side to Aniruddha, taking her own sweet time, savouring the moments she had waited for all her life. She was sure he was also discovering her, differently than he had known her once. But had things truly changed as much to tell the elders about it? Kalindi waited for her response as she looked away and cleared her throat.
“He said these introductions will be good for my career in the future.” Kalindi could sense the discomfort in her voice as she looked away.
“I was thinking of inviting the family I liked for you, this Sunday. They responded to the paper advertisement.” Bondita’s ears grew warm as she turned with a frown at Kalindi. “But Thamma…”
“They are from Alipurduar, and they have no problem with you practising there.” Kalindi smiled faintly. “I talked to the mother, they have a family business that his father runs, and he is the only son. He has a married elder sister. He, however, works for the government administrative office there.” She did not let Bondita interrupt. “He is thirty and perfect for you.”
“How can you just invite people over without asking me?” Bondita frowned.
“Well, if I asked, I knew you would refuse.” Kalindi shrugged.
“Of course, I will refuse. I have work here. I can’t just up and go to Alipurduar and assume to restart my career there.” Bondita shrugged. “You don’t understand.”
“No, I don’t.” Kalindi shook her head and stood up. “Because wherever I see a groom, you will give this same excuse.”
“It is not an excuse, it's a valid point.” Bondita protested.
“To me, it is an excuse.” Kalindi shook her head. “And they are just coming to see you. It's not like you are getting married right now.”
“I don’t want to be paraded in front of strangers.” Bondita protested. “I have some self-esteem.”
“What is the fuss about, Bondita? Everyone has to do it. I did it, your mother did it, Mini Didi…” Bondita shook her head and protested.
“Tell them not to come.” Her answer was firm. “Because you know me. You know very well that you can never make me do what I don’t want to, Thamma.”
“And why are you refusing someone you have never met?” Kalindi raised her brows suspiciously. “I asked you if you liked someone, and you said no, then what is this fuss about?” Kalindi shook her head. “You need to have valid reasons to reject a good proposal. They don’t come every day.”
“I have my reasons, and it's not my problem if you don’t think they are valid.” Bondita protested. “If you force me, I will make a scene in front of them. You and Jyatha Moshai will regret that.” Kalindi gasped.
“Are you threatening me, child?” She asked calmly.
Bondita suddenly felt guilty. Kalindi had sacrificed her entire life for her well-being; she did not deserve to be treated harshly. She had nobody except Bondita. Bondita shook her head, appearing calmer as she approached Kalindi with slow, measured steps and held her hand in her own. Kalindi looked reluctantly at her as she spoke, lowering her gaze.
“Please, Thamma, you believed me once when I said I could get us out of a mess. Believe me now when I say I don’t want this, and I have my reasons.” Bondita inhaled. Kalindi let out a sigh as she asked, “Does that reason involve Aniruddha Babu?” A sudden chill ran down Bondita’s spine as she looked up at Kalindi’s disappointed face, a little scared of her reaction. Bondita parted her lips to speak, but no words came out of them as Kalindi shoved her hand away and spoke firmly. “If it is, I would want you to know that whatever he has made you believe is only half the truth.” Bondita frowned at her words.
“He has not made me believe anything.” She shook her head.
“Well then, you must be aware of the consequences of your… feelings?” Kalindi suggested. Bondita’s eyes twinkled as she looked away and composed herself. She suddenly remembered Aniruddha’s words. Loving someone was not a crime that you could not own up to anyone about. The fact was that she loved him; she always loved him. It did not matter if he reciprocated her feelings or felt as deeply as she did. She could never visualise life without his presence or with someone else. She could not move on in so many years. She wanted to tell that to Kalindi, hoping she would understand. She could not lie to Thamma. Her silence was enough for Kalindi to continue.
“Bondita, you are not a child anymore.” She shook her head. “You must know that he and you… belong from different worlds.” She paused briefly to collect her thoughts as Bondita looked up at her. She could see the hurt in Bondita’s eyes, perhaps because she did not expect Kalindi’s resistance. She held Bondita’s cold hand back gently in hers as she led her to the bed and made her sit down. Bondita’s eyes immediately travelled over Kalindi’s shoulder to the open window looking over the house and his window, his room. “I know that Trilochon Babu has raised you like his own, but the fact is, we are not like them. We have come from a different world, our financial conditions are limited, and no matter how grateful you feel towards him for saving you, Aniruddha Babu has never faced the things you did.” Bondita inhaled as she allowed Kalindi to speak. In her head, she was gathering her scattered thoughts and collecting her overwhelming emotions to express herself properly. The last thing she wanted was to hurt Thamma.
“He is a lot older than you, from a different generation.” Kalindi shook her head. “As an adult, you must be aware of the consequences of that later in life.” Bondita looked up at her words and smiled faintly. “You mean I have to nurse him when he is older?” Kalindi nodded briefly. “Well, I would do that anyway, even if nothing…” Bondita spoke firmly as Kalindi continued, “It is different when you are bound to do something for someone rather than by choice. You are naive and young, Bondita. You have yet to see the world. To realise that love doesn’t run it. To have a successful relationship, one has to consider other things. You and he are very different people.”
“You keep saying that, but you don’t think everyone is different? How can two people be built in the same mould? Have you seen how different Boudi is from Som Dada?” Bondita narrowed her brows. Kalindi shook her head.
“Well, your differences are more than that. He doesn’t need to think of money; he has ample to fall back on. His teaching you that money is not important, and you rushing to your humanitarian bids is not wise. Both of you are stubborn and intolerant. If your morals clash, you will not be able to stand him even for a moment.”
“And what makes you think that never happened, Thamma?” Bondita shook her head. “You don’t get it, do you?”
“What do I not get? That you came back here for him? Leaving behind better opportunities in Kolkata?” Kalindi sounded irked. Bondita smiled faintly, wiping the teardrops that had trickled down her cheek.
“I came here because I wanted to come home, Thamma. I stayed here for him, yes.”
“And you find nothing wrong with your feelings? You know how messed up things will be if your impulsive choices don’t work out? I have never even seen him with a woman. I doubt if he is capable of maintaining a healthy relationship.” Kalindi rebuked. Bondita shook her head.
“It doesn't matter. When I decided to stay, it was not because I expected something from him, in return.” Kalindi looked a little shocked at Bondita’s words. “I never did. It was all about me. My feelings, which I could not escape all these years. My respect for who he is. My care for the family. My family. It was never about his reciprocation. Even if he doesn’t…” Bondita inhaled. “My love is complete in itself; it doesn’t need his validation. It never did. I will never regret choosing this life.”
Kalindi stood up as if whatever Bondita was uttering were sins. “How long have you been feeling this way?” She rebuked. “Are you out of your mind?” She watched her granddaughter look away. “ How unreal can you be to think you can live your entire life based on how you feel? Love? It goes out of the window just like that when you face the harsh truths of life.”
Kalindi decided to walk away before she said something more hurtful. “Think about what I said. I will not let you ruin your life like that.”
“Thamma.” Bondita’s voice choked a little as Kalindi stopped at the threshold of her room. “I know everything.” Kalindi narrowed her brows slightly at her words as Bondita repeated that, and let her palms cover her face as she let out a sob. “I thought you, of all people, would understand.” There was a hint of disappointment in her voice as Kalindi glanced over her shoulder. Her heart sank a little, watching Bondita look away from her and sob. Her throat felt dry as she found her voice to ask, “What do you mean you know everything?”
Bondita looked up at Kalindi, dejected as she took a deep breath and stood up to face her. “I know what happened in Alamethi. How you were married against your will…”
“That is ancient history.” Kalindi shook her head. “If you think I am trying to get back at you by doing the same…”
“I know about Jyatha Moshai, too.” Kalindi stopped as she appeared a little pale and could not meet Bondita’s gaze. “I know everything.” Kalindi’s jaws tightened. If this was Trilochon’s last resort at keeping Bondita, he had made the biggest mistake of his life by telling her.
“I don’t understand what you mean.” Kalindi shook her head in denial. “Whoever told you…” She stopped as Bondita smiled.
“Nobody told me, Thamma.” Bondita stepped forward towards Kalindi as she looked away. “I saw the letters Jethya Moshai thought he sent you, but nobody posted them for him. Years and years of him apologising to you, sharing guilt, wondering if you are happy.” Kalindi’s jaws tightened at her words.
“You know nothing, Bondita. Stay out of it.” Kalindi shook her head.
“You chose this life. After your husband passed, did you not wonder even once about him? Don’t lie, Thamma. I know you wanted to be a good wife and widow. But I know how it feels to love from a distance. I know the exact feeling when you love someone and…” A slap resonated across Bondita’s cheek as she stood flabbergasted. Kalindi fumed as she watched Bondita fall silent and step back.
“Enough. How dare you insult me and my chastity like that? You are not going to lecture me about my life.” Kalindi shook her head. “You read a few letters and assumed things? Just don’t…”
“Then you have no right to dictate my choices too Thamma, you never owned up to your own feelings. That is not my fault.” Bondita could see Kalindi tremble as she stood her ground firmly. “And I am not scared of you. I am not a child anymore.”
“Enough.” Kalindi turned to leave as her palm tingled with the sensation of the hard slap. She regretted raising her hand. Bondita called out after her.
“I will keep repeating the truth. Because no matter how much you deny it, I know for a fact things would have been different had you and he been braver.” Kalindi shut the door to her room noisily as Bondita sank into her bed and burst into tears.
Bondita could not sleep the entire night. She kept wondering about Kalindi’s concerns. A calmer, more rational Bondita knew that as a guardian, her concerns were justified. She perhaps should not have brought up the old wounds and hurt her Thamma. She had promised herself she would never speak of it, yet she could not stand the disrespect from Kalindi for her feelings. She perhaps expected more from her, that she would understand where Bondita came from. Bondita shook her head, wondering what she was even fighting with Kalindi about. It was not like they could force her to get married. She would do as she decided to. Truth be said, she did not even understand Aniruddha’s feelings to fight for it, that too against her only family, Thamma. Was Aniruddha truly reciprocating her feelings? Was he infatuated with her care and affection? Was he lonely and needed someone to hold on to? Was he overly protective of her because he had rescued her? Was his dependence because he was alone, and she was there all the time? Bondita knew that no matter how brave and outspoken she was, she could never stand in front of Aniruddha and ask these questions. If he did not wish to bring it up, things would remain the way they were. Even if she could feel his demeanour change, his words did not follow through with it. Perhaps he shared Kalindi’s concerns. Perhaps they would end up like Jyatha Moshai and Thamma. Together and apart, alone yet not. Bondita sighed as she stared out of the window of her dark room at his closed window and wondered. Was all her fight even worth it? Were the doors to his heart shut forever? Was she alone in her battle for the first time?
