It had been a month since Bondita had started working in the firm. With Somnath’s wedding date being set for winter, many things were keeping Trilochon and Kalindi busy as they took charge of the smooth running of things leading up to the wedding. They needed to shop for everyone, buy gifts and choose jewellery and sarees for the bride. Despite his attempts, Trilochon found Binoy reluctant to participate in his son’s wedding arrangements. Somnath took him and Kalindi to places they wanted to go, especially Kolkata for shopping, and Trilochon made arrangements to make sure that the first wedding of the generation was grand enough. Bondita tried to help as much as she could as she noticed Aniruddha being oddly aloof from the entire thing. She assumed it was due to Trilochon’s reactions to his lack of interest in marriage. Trilochon kept pestering her to enquire into his reasons while she kept stalling him with excuses. Bondita also failed to know more about Kalindi and Trilochon’s past, but observing them now made her feel differently than before, like she was watching them for the first time. She wanted to share that with Aniruddha and decided against it, lest his desires make them communicate complicated things further. Bondita had found it wise to keep their conversations limited to work, Som’s wedding and occasional reminisces about childhood memories. She avoided talking about how work sometimes overwhelmed her, or the expectations Kalindi had for her when she decided to marry, or even the fact that she was hoping for better opportunities to come her way and take her away from Chandannagar. Although she would miss home, especially her Thamma and Jyatha Moshai, there were times Aniruddha fondly mentioned Mini, or spoke to a good-looking colleague or client with a smile when she found herself feeling things she had no right to feel, a sense of possessiveness, of analysing his intentions, of being aware of the woman. She did not want her feelings to be exposed, and it would be wiser to stay away or find another job. But it had to be better, for he would not let her resign otherwise; she was sure of that. She could share none of her concerns with him as easily as she could when she was a child, and to her disappointment, he could not understand her mood as easily as he did a decade ago. Bondita was struggling to get used to the familiar yet different equation with him.
Aniruddha was about to leave for work when he noticed Thamma and Jethu sipping tea on the lawn. Ever since he had intercepted and read the letters in the trunk, Aniruddha could not help but feel awkward around them, especially if he walked into a room where they were alone.
“Aniruddha?” Trilochon gestured at him to come nearer. He contemplated his thought for a while as Bondita peeked her head out of the front passenger seat with confusion.
“Are you coming or not?” Aniruddha nodded.
“Give me a minute.” She watched him walk towards the elders. Bondita was alarmed. She was sure that Aniruddha would speak to them directly. Worried, she got out of the passenger seat and followed in tow.
Trilochon was smiling at something Kalindi said as she poured more tea from the teapot.
“You have not left yet?” Trilochon eyed his watch.
“I was about to.” Bondita arrived behind him, a little confused and scared as she eyed them.
“You know the elections are around the corner, and they are saying it will be best if I go to the rallies with a prodigy.” Kalindi eyed Trilochon as Aniruddha frowned.
“I always wanted you to…” Aniruddha shook his head before Trilochon completed.
“I am not interested in politics, Jethu. You know …”
“Hence, I am taking Som. Just wanted to let you know, he is interested.” Bondita eyed Aniruddha, looking unconvinced.
“Will that be a good image to his in-laws?” His words irked Trilochon.
“They know my political background… It's not like they have a choice, since their daughter chose…” He stopped as Kalindi stared at him judgmentally. “Fine, if you feel this way, talk to your brother once.” He made Aniruddha nod.
Aniruddha was about to leave when he turned to Kalindi.
“Actually, I wanted to tell you something as well. I have a case in Kolkata this week, and it will be good for Bondita if she experiences the high court scene.” Bondita looked eager as she eyed Kalindi, who exchanged a glance with Trilochon.
“They will put us up in a hotel, all expenses paid…”
“Why can’t you travel back home?” Trilochon shook his head. “How can she stay out for the night?”
“Why will she stay out? She will be at a hotel. I will be there…” Aniruddha shook his head. Bondita chimed in.
“I have lived five years in Kolkata, I know the city.” She added, “It will be good for my career.” Trilochon did not respond, and Kalindi nodded.
“Only if you call me twice daily. For how long…” She turned to Aniruddha.
“Three days.” He said, "We will leave on Thursday and arrive there; we have a case on Friday, a meeting on Saturday, and we will be back by Sunday evening.”
“I am only letting her go because it's with you.” Kalindi made Aniruddha nod as Bondita frowned.
“What is that supposed to mean?” She shook her head, “I am not a child.”
“Keep telling yourself that.” Aniruddha walked away as the elders smiled, and Bondita followed him, a little irked.
All through the day, in the busy schedule, Bondita did not look at him even once. She did as she was told, but she was not going to speak to him, letting him know she was angry. Aniruddha, however, was too engrossed in his work to notice that. It was not until they got home that Bondita had had enough. Bondita kept the files noisily at the end of the day, on the desk, as she strode off, without a goodbye and that made him look up.
“Bondita?” She did not stop as he followed her out to the corridor.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She shook her head with a dismissive wave.
“Are you upset?” He frowned. Bondita eyed him.
“Why do you care?” Aniruddha looked confused.
“Did I do something to upset you?” He asked as she shook her head with a sarcastic smile. “Of course not. You are so great; how can you upset anyone?”
“Alright.” He inhaled. “You look irked.”
“No. I am fine.” Bondita smiled again. “Good night.” She turned to leave, and he blocked her way.
“You know better than the fact that I will not let you go until you tell me what is wrong.” He shrugged.
“Why do you do this?” Bondita asked, and Aniruddha was alarmed as her voice trembled. He looked up at her, in the dimly lit portico light, as her eyes shone.
“Are you crying? Good lord, Bondita. What’s wrong?” He sounded concerned.
“You always do this, no matter what I do; I am always a child. Why?”
Aniruddha opened his mouth, but no words came out of it as Bondita wiped away the teardrop that fell on her cheek. She looked away to compose herself as she sniffed.
“Alright, I am sorry, I was joking… Don’t cry…” He shook his head, unsurely putting his hand on her shoulder, patting a little over her white shirt.
“Why do you not believe in me?” She looked like she was about to burst into tears.
“Bondita, there is nobody I believe in more than you. You know that.” He reassured her calmly.
“Then why do you keep undermining me as a child? I am good at what I do, I am capable and…” The surge of emotion choked her voice.
“Hey…” He stopped her with a pat on her head, “I know that. I was joking. I am sorry, alright?”
Bondita was suddenly alarmed at how she was crying in front of him. She hid her face with her hands and cried out. “Now you will think of me more like a child because I cried.”
“Oh, no.” Aniruddha shook his head as she sobbed. “There, there.” He patted her head. “I really don’t.”
Bondita was overwhelmed with emotions. She tried to control her tears, but they seemed to have become more than just her grievances for the day. They became about her existence, her story and his validation. Aniruddha did not know what to do. He suddenly remembered that every time she would burst into tears, which was very rare for someone as mature as she was, it reminded him that she was, deep down, still a child, much like Batuk. He would give her a reassuring hug, a pat on the head or reassurance through words, and she would stop crying once he talked to her. Aniruddha knew that was the only way to stop her tears. He put his hand on her head as she sobbed and pushed her gently towards him, as Bondita found her face hidden in his chest. He raised his head slightly so that the rim of his glasses did not hurt her. She remembered the warmth of his hugs, the only ones she found after her father’s protective arms, where she felt the safest. Aniruddha felt her hands travel to his back, interlocking at his waist as she sobbed. Aniruddha patted her head gently for a moment to suddenly realising she was not a child anymore. He remembered that when he hugged her as a child, her head would barely reach his torso. Now her head was placed right where his heart beat, and he was aware of her being a woman. Anyone looking at them would think otherwise and perhaps judge her. He wanted to move away, but he did not want her to feel dejected.
“Bondita?” He patted her head with a whisper that made Bondita aware of his proximity. She could feel his warm breath on her ears as she moved away, embarrassed.
“I am sorry.” She sniffed. “I will never…”
“Come with me.” He held her hand, making her look confused.
“No. I…” Bondita resisted as his hand tightened on her wrist. “I will not complain again; please don’t tell Jethya Moshai.” She shook her head. “I want to work, I will not let anything get to me, I promise.” Her voice had a sudden sense of urgency as she thought of the consequences of her meltdown. Perhaps he judged her as incapable of the pressure of the job and wanted to let Trilochon know.
“I am not letting you go home in tears.” He reminded her, calmly. “Come with me, please.”
Bondita found herself sitting on the couch in his study as he left for a while. She smelled of his perfume and cursed herself for having an outburst like that. She gave him more reasons to believe she was immature, didn’t she? However, it was tough to control her emotions during that time of the month. She had suppressed her cramps and worked tirelessly all day. But she could not ignore his comment the way she brushed it off on any other day. What irked her was that instead of asking her whether she was interested in the professional opportunity, he was seeking permission from elders who were clueless about their work. Bondita did not like the way she was treated differently, even when he preached professionalism. She could not ignore how the other interns judged her, no matter how hard she worked or how everyone stayed away from her in the office, even when she tried to be friendly. They would stare at her and gossip. It bothered her. It bothered her more that she was so vulnerable that she hugged him. She was not eleven any more. Bondita oddly remembered the first time she had her period.
Thamma had forbidden Bondita to tell anyone about it.
“Why?” She questioned. “Is it bad?”
“I don’t know. Only women know when women…” Mini had helped her with pads and a lesson on them.
“It's because of periods that women can be mothers.” She blushed as Bondita looked confused.
“What? I can’t have a child now.” She sounded alarmed as Mini laughed.
“No, Silly, you will have a child once you are married. I am saying only menstruating women can have children of their own.” Bondita frowned cluelessly at her words. She had no idea what she was saying. Thamma said God gifted babies to good women suitable to be mothers. If so, how did it matter if she bled every month?
“You will understand when you grow up.” Mini Didi had shared a smile with Thamma.
“Take the day off from school.” Thamma was concerned as she was in pain, but she refused.
By evening, Bondita was feeling feverish, and her whole body ached. She was twelve, and her classes had just started for the 6th standard. She was trying to cope with the pressure and did not understand Algebra well. Despite Thamma asking her to stay put in her bed, she had waited for Aniruddha to come home to clear her doubts. He was back around seven when he found her in the study room with her books. He had kept his things down and immediately got to help her. No matter how he explained, she did not seem to grasp it. Aniruddha was losing patience.
“How many times have I told you this, dumb girl?” He scolded, “Understand the formula.” It was not the first time he had scolded her for her studies, but Bondita burst into tears.
“You called me stupid…” She complained. Aniruddha looked alarmed at her tears.
“No… I… you are inattentive today. Don’t cry…” He put his hand on hers, reassuringly, to realise she was feverish. He checked her forehead as she looked alarmed.
“Are you sick?” He enquired. Bondita gulped. Was she? “I don’t know.” She said truthfully. “Thamma said not to tell you.”
“Wha…” Aniruddha looked confused.
“She said not to tell anyone except Mini Didi. I feel awful and in pain.” She held her stomach, and Aniruddha knew what he had to do.
“Wait here…” He made her look confused. Was he going to tell Thamma? “Please don’t tell her, she will scold me for telling you.”
“I won’t, I promise.” Aniruddha came back with a hot bag for her. “Here, keep it on the back while you sit; you will feel better.” He reassured her. He was right.
“How do you…” She frowned. “Know what I need?” Aniruddha smiled.
“Maa used to…” He stopped, unsure of what he should tell Bondita. “ I always know what you need. You know that,” he made her nod as he wiped the tears from her cheek. “Take a break today. Take this home.” He insisted. “We will study when you feel better in a few days.” She nodded and gathered her things to leave as she watched him roll up his sleeves and arrange his files. She tiptoed behind him and waited as he turned to face her. “Kichu bolbe?” He asked, leaning in, as she surprised him with a hug. She made him smile as he patted his head. “Pagol Meye, what happened?” He asked as he shook his head. Bondita looked up at him in awe. “You understand what nobody else does.” She said genuinely as he smiled at her. “Go on home, you don’t need to sound like a grown-up all the time.” He dismissed her playfully as she nodded.
Bondita never told Thamma or Mini Didi that she had confided in Aniruddha, fearing that she would be scolded. But every time she had emotional outbursts, which were rare for her, it was inevitably on her worst day, and he would always reassure her of her insecurities and bring her a hot bag. She never mentioned her periods to him, yet he knew.
When Bondita was fourteen, for the first time, she felt a strange butterfly in her stomach when he reassured her, and she hugged him. She was not sure if he noticed that, so she stopped hugging him after that, scared of her feelings. She was more aware of having him around, aware that she was staring at him during lessons and blushing every time he praised her. She would walk into his room when he was not around and sprinkle his perfume on her dress just to smell of him. She went through his books and music, wondering if she would grow to like what he liked. His English Music did not sit well with her understanding, as she hovered over the cassettes of Bryan Adams as he listened to them often, and the only lyrics she could understand were “Please forgive me, I can’t stop loving you.” She did not understand much of the songs, yet they hurt her in places she could not explain. She was also scared of being caught by Mini Didi or Batuk or, worse, Aniruddha himself. But Bondita never got caught; she navigated through her crush on him, reminding herself it was not rational, but in vain. There was a boy in tuition everyone crushed over, but to her, he looked so immature and almost repellent that she understood she was not attracted to how they looked, unlike girls her age. As she discovered more about sexuality and her puberty, Bondita realised that the more she was aware of being close to him and pulled herself away. She did not remember when she made the boundaries, but she remembered he respected them. It was unsaid but understood.
“Here.” Aniruddha startled her out of her contemplation on whether she should apologise for her outburst. Bondita eyed the hot water bag and stared back at him, a little taken aback. Aniruddha smiled reassuringly, placing it on her lap and sitting on the marble coffee table, opposite her, observing.
“I never undermined you.” He shook his head. “It's just that I remember that girl fondly. This one… I just met a few weeks ago…” he shrugged. “I am yet to know her.”
“I… am sorry…” She blurted. “I should not have …”
“Cried?” Aniruddha shook his head. “Are you going to cry again because you cried?” He made her smile faintly as she sniffed and shook her head.
“Good.” He inhaled. “I was scared.” She eyed him, sighing in relief. “Bondita, I thought you knew that I respect you. Everyone does. You are brave, strong, independent…”
“Then why would you ask Thamma instead of me if I should be going to Kolkata?” She sulked. Aniruddha pressed his lips together and eyed her, looking away.
He could see the teardrop lingering on her cheek as he used his thumb to wipe it away. Bondita suddenly felt a shiver run down her spine as she straightened herself. He gestured at the hot water bag, which she now put behind her back and heaved a sigh, wincing a little as he watched her.
“Look, I was just informing them. I did not ask their permission. They are your elders and…”
“So you would take me with you if she did not agree?” Bondita asked, brows narrowed. Aniruddha smiled.
“If you want to do anything in any corner of the world, as long as I think it's rational, I won’t let anyone stop you. You know that.” He reassured her. Bondita suddenly felt a lump in her throat at his words. She looked away and asked in a low voice, “Even if that means going against Thamma or Jyatha Moshai?”
“Will it be the first time?” He asked, “Remember how much all of them resisted the idea of you studying in an English-medium boarding school the first time I mentioned it?” He asked, raising his brows.
“Did you…” A realisation dawned on Bondita. “Convince them of my degree in Kolkata, too?” Aniruddha smiled faintly. “Maybe… but only when they were debating the advantages and disadvantages. I just took your side. I always do.” He made her cheeks feel warm as Bondita tried to brush off the feeling. “I will not tease you again, I promise,” he said sincerely “You are far more mature than people your age, I know that.” Bondita nodded as she got up to leave.
“Take the hot bag,” he insisted. She shook her head. “I… have the other one.” Aniruddha nodded. “Thank You.” He was a little taken aback as she came back to touch his feet. Aniruddha shook his head. “Look at that, this is what I am saying. Our Bondita did not say thank you or sorry.” She smiled. “Alright, last time.”
“Promise?” “Promise.”
Aniruddha sat on the edge of his bed, rolling up his sleeves and unmindfully unbuttoning his shirt as he smiled. Today, in her complaint, her sobbing and her uninhibited self, after a long time, he found a glimpse of the girl he knew and missed. He remembered the first time Bondita had run to him and hugged him, as he had not known how to react.
Although Batuk was smaller than Aniruddha by more than a decade, he had always been intimidated by Aniruddha to approach him emotionally. Som was closer to Batuk, and he was close to Som. Aniruddha found that easier. He had not interacted with many kids to know exactly how to behave. With Bondita, under the circumstances he met her, let her guide him and helped her out, the equation never felt like that with a child. But that day, Bondita, who had arrived in Chandannagar a few months back, still in her school uniform, with braided hair on either side and a mark sheet in her hand, had rushed to him the moment he had entered the house. She ran to hug him, surprising him completely as she gushed that her result was out and that she had stood second in class, all thanks to him. Her poor performance had bothered them for more than three terms because Aniruddha guided her. Her eyes were moist and her voice grateful. He could not believe her, as he took the mark sheet from her hand that was behind her back and knelt in front of her to check her marks. He patted her head, proud of her as she waited for his praise. He knew those eyes, wide and anticipating, that smile that turned wider when he praised her. The need for reassurance she had when she hugged him did not escape his observation. He felt the same need when she hugged him that day.
“You haven’t changed that much after all; you still need reassurance when you are overwhelmed.” Another thought crossed his mind. Who was there for you on your worst days for all these years? Aniruddha felt guilty for not reaching out to her. Maybe a part of her resented him for it as she did for his idea of sending her away. Maybe she was as lonely as he was. He needed to make amendments for the sake of their friendship.
