Aniruddha could not work all day. It started raining heavily outside, the curtains of the room swayed in the gusty wind, and things around the room toppled over. Koeli came to pick them up, to see if he wanted to eat anything, but Aniruddha wanted to be left alone. Countless questions and fears raced through his mind. Bondita never went home like she did that day. Rather, once a year, even before Jamai Sasti, she checked the household chores a hundred times. If Batuk had a test, if someone was sick, she was reluctant to go. She just packed a bundle so quickly and left for her mother’s place. Had she distanced herself from Aniruddha? Was it his fault? Anirudha started thinking. Could she not take him as a husband because he pushed her away and hurt her? Aniruddha repented for his actions. If indeed Bondita denied their relationship, knowing the truth behind it, could she be blamed? But was that why she was pretending to be asleep even though she was awake that night? What did she think about Aniruddha? Why did Aniruddha act impulsively without thinking through? Did he forget his promises? Aniruddha had ignored the elephant in the room for fear of addressing it with Bondita and fearing her rejection. Now the truth of the avoided emotions drowned his being and made him lose his hunger and sleep. He needed to speak to Bondita, no matter how bitter she felt towards him. He must bring her back home. Aniruddha decided that even if Bondita chose to leave him, he would never deviate from the responsibility he had towards her. Aniruddha's dream of her future education and the promise he made to her mother to be her guardian would be kept at any cost. Once she was independent, as he wanted if she wanted to be, she could leave. Aniruddha would not stop her. He would also help if she wanted to start a new family with someone else. Could he not live the rest of his life with her memories, hiding his emotions from her? The people of his house often said Aniruddha could do anything for Bondita; he would prove them right. But as long as Bondita was studying, Aniruddha would continue to exist as her guardian. He suddenly felt a heaviness in his chest. Sitting on the bed, holding the pillow, he tried in vain to make the heaviness go away. But the pillow smelled of the ever-familiar hair oil. Darkness had descended in mid-afternoon because of the clouds outside. He closed the window as the rain increased. Things were scattered everywhere. If he went to Devipur with such a messy room, Bondita would return and get angry. What if she didn't return? Aniruddha tries in vain to get busy with work to forget his doubts. A piece of paper was under the bed. When he knelt to pick it up, Aniruddha's eyes fell on the trunk of Bondita’s old things that were kept under the bed. He brought it out. Aniruddha had advised Batuk and Bondita to write journals, but he suddenly remembered seeing the notebooks inside. Bondita used to say If Maa were here, I would have said this, I would have said that, so one day, while reading, when Batuk also said the same thing, Aniruddha was saddened to see them. Batuk did not remember his mother. Could anyone take her place? He explained to both of them while studying that things that could not be told to anyone, they could write in the notebook. Those dusty notebooks were now the key to Bondita’s heart. Aniruddha sat on the floor and started reading the last two years' accounts after checking the date. He had turned on the light in the room.
There was a description of daily chores in the notebook, what recipes she learned, what the teacher was like at school, and what storybook she read. Then there was little more about Somnath, Batuk, her in-laws, Mami, Maa, and even the incident of bringing pills to keep Leela’s faith. About Pari Didi's help at school, about the village festival. Aniruddha shut the book almost halfway through. Not even on a single page did she write anything about Aniruddha. As if he did not exist in Bondita’s life. Not even complaints like he's grumpy and stubborn, not even that he was suffering from a fever. Was this the answer Aniruddha was looking for? His vision was blurry. Would he ever be able to tell his wife exactly how much he loved her? Aniruddha sighed and put the book away. What was the use of suffering? Suddenly, a page fell out of the book onto his lap. A letter on a yellowing page. He could recognise the handwriting from a distance. I wonder who she wrote a letter to? He started reading the letter.
“Maybe I will never be able to give you this letter, maybe I won't need to. I don't want to make you angry. But these words of my heart must be said. To whom will I tell these things?" Aniruddha's throat became dry. To whom did Bondita dedicate this unnamed letter? “You may not know, but I don't remember much of the early days. But I remember one thing from the first day with you.” Was it a love letter? Should Aniruddha not read it? But to whom did Bondita write? And why did she not post it? Was she feeling guilty because of him?
“I knew life like a habit. I feel that the nature of following rules every day and staying within the strict boundaries of others is innate in all girls. I had a habit of listening to my father and uncle. Maa said Now you must listen to my husband, give up your bad nature of questioning now, you are growing up. He will be angry. But you? You told me on the first day, Don't be afraid to ask questions. Since that day, I have never stopped because you gave me courage. Our dreams were beyond the boundaries of society for you.”
Aniruddha felt a sudden shiver down his spine. Bondita wrote the letter to him. Why? What could she not say? Why did she not give him the letter?
"But believe me, I have many questions now, but why can't I ask you anymore? Why am I afraid that all the dreams I have built little by little, this world of mine, can turn into dust with your answer? Why am I happy today with the delusion that you are happy with me?”
As if Aniruddha regained his breath, he turned the leaf.
“Bondita has committed a grave sin. You will be angry with her if you know about it. When you were not there, she opened your box while cleaning the room.”
A smile appeared in the corner of Aniruddha’s lips, if Bondita got angry about reading her letter, he could say something too.
“There was Parididi's letter in it. Why didn't you tell Bondita the whole truth?” Aniruddha could hear the pain in his voice.
"Bondita is not so stupid, she will be grateful to you forever, she will never take that happiness away from anyone, especially not from Parididi, who doesn't deserve it. How much she loves Bondita! Do you not know Bondita at all? Why have you hidden the truth from her for so long? Bondita always boasted that her relationship with you is that of Guru Shishya, the bond of friendship between us is so strong because it is built on truth. Today I found out that everything is a lie. But you know, I still don't believe it. Is it all a lie? Night after night, you helped me dream with my eyes open, showed me the light of education, all lies? When I was in pain, when everyone scolded me, you stood by me. That is what this relationship meant to Bondita. Did she know that something else was also needed to make a relationship?
But forgive me, I couldn't keep the promise I made to myself, maybe that is why I'm writing this letter. I promised that once I was educated, I would ask you to choose your path; when I know the truth, I will never reveal my feelings for you or demand to be your wife. I tried, believe me, to turn away from you, but I couldn't. Naturally, my respect for you has doubled since knowing the truth, but the day you didn't come home for me, it hurt. That day, I realised a harsh truth that I can never say aloud even to myself. But I understood another thing with it.
Without you, there is no hope for Bondita. She can never live away from your guidance. I know this relationship is different from many other relationships. Because you are different from everyone. So I request you. My pen and ink are witnesses; every page of my heart has been painted with your presence, in your name, for the rest of my life. Won't you give me a chance to paint my life in the dream you gave me, Baristra Babu? Bondita promises you her love, passion, or dreams would never want to tie you down in an unwanted relationship. But don't push her away from your life. You are her guiding star; without you, she would lose her direction.” The letter ended suddenly. Did Bondita write no more, or did she tear the other pages away? Aniruddha’s hand lingered on her mention of him in the letter. The sun shone through the clouds once again.
