Letter To My Beloved

This is a one-shot spin-off outtake from "Rishta Tera Mera" after the chapter "Truth". This was written back when I was doing part 2, "Barrister Babu" for the story, and there is no better day than to post it on the first anniversary of the story. Thank you for all the love you poured in. Also, this is a special tribute to all those named and unnamed people and their families on both sides of the border whose blood, sweat and sacrifice made this day possible. Jai Hind!

My Beloved Sampoorna,

I know I have lost the right to call you what I used to. I also know there is a chance you are reading this because you realised I will never come back. I know you are angry with me for hiding my true self from you. Your anger is justified. I had left without a goodbye, forgotten all the promises I had made to you and to my family. I had let all of you down. I am sure the entire village had made their opinion on a runaway like me, perhaps I was cowardly, perhaps I found a better life, perhaps I found a lover. None of that is true, yet all of it is. If you have read my letter till now, I know you are in tears, perhaps angry ones. But please, I request you to read the letter in its entirety. I was indeed cowardly. I didn’t find the courage to face you and say goodbye. We were too young and naive when we got married, and I know you still are. I am not worthy of your innocence anymore. For I have outgrown our world, its novels, Putul Khela and daydreams and had my slice of reality. I didn’t want to involve you because you still have your innocence intact. If anyone ever blames you for my straying, I am sure that Aniruddha Babu and Bondita will be there for you. I hope my parents aren’t harsh on you for me, because if they are, I won’t be able to forgive myself. You had given me a happy life, true marital bliss. I do appreciate that Sampoorna, don’t think that I don’t! But somehow in these years, I have grown to want more from life than just running errands in the Zamindar house or teaching the girls. I had no desire to follow Baba’s footsteps, nor stay in that house with you. I am sorry, but I have outgrown that life; my world has expanded. It is still true that I want that girl’s school and the women to be literate as much as Bondita does, but I am also sure that she is brave enough to do it herself, and if she stumbles, Aniruddha Babu is there to help her with it.

It is also true that I have perhaps lost my heart and found my purpose. I do have a better life. But not the kind of better you think of. I don’t have a steady income, a house, a family or anything that anyone my age desires. But I do have a purpose. And for that purpose, let me assure you, I haven’t forgotten you. My guilt doesn’t go away. I would wake up every day with your thoughts and go to sleep worried about you. But yes, I realised our relationship was never about love. We were too young to know. We had each other’s habits. But love? Now I know how that is. It is passionate. It is fierce. And it wants to make you act upon it. We never had that, did we? I couldn’t even give you the happiness of having a child. I know how much you wanted that.

Don’t be jealous, Sampoorna. I have never lost my heart to a girl more beautiful than you are. Every time I see a woman with curly hair, it always reminds me of you. Somewhere, my heart aches to see you once and apologise for disappearing in person. But I know I can’t. For I don’t want to put you in danger. How could I ever tell you that I lost my heart to the motherland? I wanted to fight with my blood and sweat for her. My purpose was greater than what Baba predetermined for me, or the dreams you had. You may wonder why I am reaching out. It is because I am sick. I am sick at heart. Homesick for you. But my mind and soul? Our leader often says we are in it till we have the mind determined to fight till the end. My body may give up on me, but my mind still wants to fight till my last breath.

In our secret hideout in the ruins of a temple, there are five of us who often meet in secret. But I know we can’t hide for long. Our supplies will run out. Soon we will have no food to eat. And the bullet that grazed my stomach once often bleeds. I feel weak, sometimes even defeated. But then I remember your face, I remember how much I have lost, what all I have chosen to give up for this purpose. And every time I try to recollect the happiest days of my insignificant life, I remember your smile and those summer afternoons with ripe mangoes. I remember your touch and your care. And I remind myself that I can’t give up again. I have to reach the end of it, either by fulfilling my purpose or dying for it.

I hope when you read this ( if you believe the words of a man who abandoned you, that is ), you will perhaps forgive me, and perhaps even be a little proud of the fact that I am not that cowardly. I lost my heart to the motherland, Sampoorna. There was no competition here. You are a part of my soul, and will always remain so. I hope after reading this, you will have the closure you need and you can move on to a better life and find a man worthy of you. I know you will say that you took vows with me, but I release you of them. And trust me, just once, Sampoorna, you will find a man who would appreciate your true worth and have the same dreams. I am sorry that I am not that man.

I know I have no right to order you or wish you to do something for me. But if you have read this till the end, and understand where I come from, don’t give in to any kind of Kupratha they dictate you to follow. I abandoned you; you are not my widow. No matter what they say, they don’t know us, do they? Your life, your happiness and your purpose should be yours, not tied to me in my absence. Help out Bondita with the school. She doesn’t ask much, but I know she needs support, especially from you. Aniruddha Babu has promised to take care of you in my absence. I can go in peace because I know you have them. Until you find someone worthy enough to give you what you want in life.

With wishes for your good health,

Your Debaditya.

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RAABTA

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