Maine kahan tha saath rahunga
Banunga main tera saaya
Par tere saath kuch kadam bhi
Main nahi chal paya
Bondita got out of bed and left the room before Aniruddha woke up. She went about her chores and decided to ignore his presence until she found herself a logical explanation for her impulsive behaviour, good enough for him to forgive her mistake. She made breakfast and told the cook to note down who preferred what for when she would leave. She waited in the kitchen long enough for the breakfast to be served by the house helps and eaten. His routine was fixed. He would go to the study room and leave for work in half an hour. Then, she wouldn’t have to put up with this hide-and-seek till late afternoon or evening. But things rarely go as planned in life.
“Bondita? Bouma!” Trilochan’s call made her shake her head. She pulled the ghomta above her head and walked out to the dining area. Eyes met briefly as she looked away and spoke to Trilochan as if dismissing his presence altogether.
“I was thinking of sending Bihari with you two to Calcutta when you leave in a fortnight,” Trilochan spoke as Binoy agreed. “He will help you set up the house and come back.”
“There is absolutely no need for that.” Aniruddha spoke before she could, “We will do it.”
“How can Bondita manage alone?” Trilochan frowned.
“Doesn’t Bondita manage alone?” Bondita frowned at Trilochan at his words, her hands on the sides of her waist “What do you mean I can’t? Don’t you think I am capable of…”
“I never said that.” Trilochan cut her short, intimidated by her motherly tone and body language. “I meant you have admission, studies and ….”
“I will be there to help her with whatever is needed. Let Bihari stay.” Aniruddha spoke in between his morsels, not looking up from his plate. “We can manage on our own.”
Binoy and Trilochan exchanged a smile and glance as if to convey that their eldest didn’t want anyone to come in between him and his wife. Bondita caught their stare and felt a bit flushed. She walked back to the kitchen without another glance back at Aniruddha.
“I am leaving!” She heard him say rather aloud. She didn’t peep out of the kitchen like she did every day, neither smiled nor waved him goodbye. When she heard the car leave, she folded her hands to her forehead and murmured “Dugga Dugga!”
After preparing for lunch, she decided to let the cook handle it alone as she went to serve Asha some fruits. She placed the plate down on the side table and cut the fruits herself, using a knife.
“I can do that, you know.” Asha sat up staring at her “I feel guilty that you are doing everything alone and…”
“Daima told you to rest at least for this trimester.” Bondita reminded her “Don’t worry, everything will be taken care of, you just need to rest and stop worrying.” She eyed the book on the bedside table.
“Why! A new romance novel?” She smiled.
“He got it for me.” Asha blushed. Bondita stared at her briefly and smiled. Ashapurna knew how to find happiness even in the gloom. Bondita felt even more guilty about all her accusations.
“Umm… Barrister Babu was suggesting perhaps you could ask Dada to consult a doctor in this condition once. And not rely entirely on Daima…” Bondita spoke, placing the food down and staring at Ashapurna. She was about to open her mouth when Somnath entered the room and looked taken aback. “Oh, I didn’t know you were here Boudi.” he looked away. “I will just pick up my watch and leave.”
“Dada.” Bondita got up from the bed and stopped Somnath at the threshold.
“I think… we think you should consult a doctor at least once just for safety.” She spoke rather firmly. Somnath didn’t look back at her. He smiled.
“Thank you for the suggestion, Boudi, but everyone here has faith in Daima and our traditional ways.” He walked away making Bondita frown. Bondita inhaled and left the room. She went into her bedroom to find the room left in a mess, like every day. She started rearranging his ties and picked up the wet towel with a sigh.
“Can’t even keep a room right, he will help run a household!” She shrugged “Boro Boro kotha!”
Suddenly the thought struck her. She would have to run a household, miles away, with him as her only companion. It suddenly scared her, especially after her little incident from the previous night. She had perhaps made him feel she expected more out of their relationship than he offered. Did she offend him? Bondita couldn’t help but wonder. He had always outdone himself when it came to her wishes and desires, could her words perhaps push him beyond the limits he wished to explore? She hoped not.
Although things had been going well, and he made her feel comfortable in the intimacy of his touch or embrace or even perhaps sharing a bedroom every night, there were certain limits to his approach that Bondita noticed. He held himself back. Bondita couldn’t say if it was some kind of insecurity on his part, the same ones that probably made him lock the doors or be cold to her for days, or if it was some morally made boundaries he didn’t wish to cross. Whatever his reasons were, what troubled her was that she knew although people could see their relationship as nothing close to “normal” she liked the uniqueness they blended into, she liked the emotional dependency and support he gave her and leaned on her for. No words were spoken of in that matter, but she felt the intimacy grow, from heart to heart. Now, with her very impulsive outburst, Bondita was scared of two things, one, he was aware that all the social scrutiny of their personal life affected her, something she had managed to keep away from him for so long, and secondly, she actually thought he married her for charity, the later even she was unsure of. What would he do about it? Bondita was in a state of panic as a storm brewed unseasonably in her mind. She had to make things right, but where would she begin?
Aniruddha closed the cap on his expensive fountain pen, and sighed, staring at the heaps of paper. He checked his watch. The day was very busy and he had only found time to breathe then. He leaned back on his chair and stared at the high ceiling of the chambers. It was a no-brainer that Bondita had been avoiding him since her little outburst. She didn’t serve food, nor did she look at him. She pretended to be asleep when he walked into the room the previous night and left before he woke up in the morning. She successfully avoided his presence. But why? What was she thinking? Her words came back to Aniruddha. Her tone was different, and her eyes hurt. He inhaled. She was bothered with so much all this while and he was clueless about the same. It haunted him to even think of everything she went through alone, even if the thoughts were just in her head. He needed to speak to her and clear out a long-due misunderstanding. But where would he start?” Aniruddha stared at the sand clock on his table. He couldn’t possibly wait and make it worse. He was naive and inexperienced when it came to relationships. He admitted so to himself. Otherwise, he would have had an idea that even though she was fine with their proximity or eased at his touch, the scars of his coldness hadn’t really left her mind. And it was all his fault.
The moment Bondita heard the sound of the car in the portico she rushed from her room to Asha’s. She found Koeli massaging Asha’s hair with oil as she sat down beside her, on the bed.
“Didn’t I hear Dadabhai just come in? Why are you here?” Asha asked.
“I just… wanted to spend some time with you. I left his water and food on the side table. He will help himself.” Bondita smiled faintly. Asha scrutinised her face carefully.
“Are you okay?” She asked as Bondita nodded.
Aniruddha walked into the neatly set room and his eyes fell on the water and food, neatly kept covered for him. He sighed. Of Course, she heard the car and… “Bihari, where is Bondita?” he asked as the house help served him.
“Choto Malkin is with Bourani.” Bihari spoke, “Should I inform her that you are here?”
“No need…” Aniruddha shook his head.
In the evening, as he sat down on the couch he gathered his thoughts on what to tell her.
“Bondita? Bondita!” He shouted, “I need my coffee.” He knew nobody else made it for him. To his disappointment, Koeli came to serve him.
“Choto Malkin is busy in the kitchen.” She said,
“Of course she is.” Aniruddha agreed, “Thank you Koeli.”
Aniruddha was in the bedroom before Bondita arrived. He wouldn’t let her sleep without sorting things out tonight. He rolled up the sleeves of his white kurta and grabbed a book. He paced the room with the book in hand and kept checking his pocket watch. Bondita stopped a few feet away from the bedroom as her heart skipped a beat at the light. He was already there. She turned and ran back into the kitchen.
“Do you need anything?” One of the cleaning house helpers asked.
“No, I will…” She pretended to be busy.
Aniruddha sighed, He had waited well beyond her normal time. He switched off the light and noisily closed the door, pretending to be asleep. Bondita heard the door close and waited a good thirty minutes before she stepped into the bedroom relieved. She closed the door behind her and wiped the sweat off her forehead with the corner of her navy blue cotton saree. She turned to lock it when Aniruddha sat up and switched on the lights, startling her. Bondita froze.
“We need to talk.” Her eyes widened at his words, as a sudden gust of wind diverted her attention to the open window. She ran to close it, as the thunder rumbled. She turned and jolted to see him right behind her, as she found herself in between the closed window and his stare. Bondita couldn’t move.
“Whatever you said…” Aniruddha stared at her flushed face as eyes met.
“I am sorry.” Bondita cut him short, looking away, “I was taking out someone else’s frustration on an entirely different…”
“Bondita.” He held her shoulders firmly. “You know how strong we have to be for choosing the unconventional way of life, be it with your career… or… us.” He made her look up at him. “You have to be prepared for these unwanted opinions, battles and…” He stopped “But I had no idea I pushed you into one with yourself. I am sorry I did. It was just that…” He inhaled, looking away. Bondita shrugged off his hands and moved back against the wall. The thunder rumbled again.
“It’s okay, it's all… we don’t really need to speak of it.” She fumbled trying to appear busy straightening the wrinkled bed sheet.
“We do. We need to speak of it. I want to tell you that I didn’t want to compel you to be my wife. I wanted to prioritize your dream rather than take anything away from this marriage.” Her hand stopped at his words as she straightened up “I know that, but that didn’t mean you would close the door on me. On us.” She blinked away the tears that suddenly ached her heart “I tried to get over it like it was all a bad dream and I just… I just couldn’t.” She shrugged, trying hard not to let him know she was on the verge of a breakdown.
“Bondita.” He shook his head walking up behind her as his eyes blurred and his voice trembled “I never wanted to push you away. I just didn’t want our relationship to be prioritized over your dreams.”
“What about balance?” She turned to face him. Eyes met, in tears, locked in each other. Bondita’s heart raced. This was her moment. Her chance to demand the answers she sought.
“What about if I wanted equal shares of both? Did you ever bother to ask me what I want? You decided for us. Who gave you the right to decide whether I want to choose between being your wife or being a barrister or I want both?” She suddenly smiled amused, looked away and shook her head. “Even if I did prioritize my dream, can’t you see? I will still be Barrister Bondita Roy Chowdhury. Your Bondita, Barrister Babu.” She shrugged as he opened his mouth but could not speak.
“I never wanted anything as much as I wanted that. I wanted your companionship, nothing else mattered over that and my dreams. But the two were always mutually inclusive.”
She inhaled. “You pushed me away when you wanted, and showed your care the very next moment, what am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to realise? Where do we stand? I didn’t ask these questions. I was perfectly happy until you started… closing doors on my face.” She looked hurt.
“I was stupid to do that. I know I was. I am sorry.” He held his right ear with his right hand as his left hand held her right palm, “I really am sorry for all that. I never wanted to cause you pain.”
“It doesn’t matter.” Bondita shrugged her hands away “I know Pari didi would have been easier than me, I am not… conventional. And I am unapologetic about it.” She turned her back to him, arranging the pillow on her side “I just don’t want you to ever feel trapped.” Aniruddha frowned at her words as she wiped away her tears. He breathed in. He felt wounded.
“Bondita, did you ever feel it was perhaps hurting me too, to be cold, distant and act in contradiction to how I feel?” She gulped at his words. “Do you really feel I, of all people, would have chosen anyone over you? Even Saudamini?” Her hand stopped at the pillow again as she froze.
“You think I of all people will regret us? Or have an issue that you are unapologetically unconventional?” He shook his head. “Bondita I… ever since I came here you gave me a sense of purpose. I… was a stranger in my own house. You made it feel like home. Somewhere I am understood, Somewhere I belong.” She turned to face him as her jaws stiffened.
“And that was because you knew who Bondita Das was, Barrister Babu. “ Her voice was cold. “Unlike me, you knew everything and remembered it. Your sense of morale and responsibility…”
“ Didn’t matter. If I hadn’t seen you be who you are, none of it would have mattered.” He shook his head.
“And Bondita.” He stepped forward, closer to her as he cupped her face with his hands, wiping the lone teardrop that nestled on her jaw.
“Did you ever think that instead of thinking if you were worthy of the London returned Barrister Aniruddha Roy Chowdhury like the rest of the world did, was I, a clueless human being, with big dreams and no directions, worthy of you, the Bondita Das who selflessly thinks of everyone else before herself? Did you ever think I would perhaps be luckier to have you? I am sorry that I was clueless about everything you faced alone, and I let you. I am sorry that I failed to show you what my heart felt. But never ever make the mistake of thinking that there could have been a better choice for me. There never was. Even if I met Bondita Das at this very moment, I’d still choose her, till my last breath over everything else!”
Her eyes met his, wide and surprised, as he loosened his grip over her cupped face. “And we are never having such a conversation again. I want to clear everything up before we leave for Calcutta and start a new life. So, if you still have doubts we can clear everything today.” He spoke in all sincerity.
“Then promise me, you will never make me feel like I should choose between my dreams and us. That is not our battle. It will always be our dreams and us against the world.” Her eyes shone as he nodded in agreement.
“I swear. I won’t.” His words were met with a silent nod and faint smile from her as she tried to look away, her cheeks warm from his touch. “Happy?”
“Yes,” She nodded as his eyes sparkled and his face went from sincere to amused. Bondita took a step back while he stepped forward, his eyes lingering on hers.
The thunder rumbled again as the rain started to pour outside the window panes. Aniruddha was about to hold her hand when she suddenly jolted like a thought hit her. She remembered their first rain on the terrace. It’s almost been a year.
“You want to get wet in the rain?” She asked, eyes sparkling.
“Now?” he asked, clearing his throat.
“What if this is our last rain in Tulsipur in a long time, should we not make the most of it?” She asked. Without waiting for his reply, she opened the door of the bedroom and ran to the stairs. Aniruddha smiled relieved, after a rather awkward day, to have his Bondita back. He followed her up the stairs into the open terrace.
He stopped at the threshold watching her getting drenched. A memory became vivid in his mind. A lot had changed in between two spells of rain indeed.
“Do you not like getting drenched in the rain?” She smiled, extending her hands up to the sky “I love it.” She made him aware that he was staring. Aniruddha couldn’t care less that day. He stepped out in the rain, making her look at him a little wide-eyed.
“I know that.” Aniruddha’s voice was hoarse as he pulled her by the hand, closer to him. The raindrops danced on the black and white chessboard tiles of the rooftop, as hearts fluttered. Bondita looked up at his eyes travelling all over her features, drenched in the raindrops as his free hand moved to hold her waist over her wet saree. In a reflex, she placed her free hand on his shoulder as he pushed her against himself in the rain.
“You said you had bad memories of the rain.” His voice was husky as his hand travelled from her waist up her back to undo her bunned hair and let it flow. He then cupped her face.
“Let’s change that.” He almost whispered into her ears. “Perhaps then you would believe my words.”
“I be… believe…” Bondita almost whispered as his lip touched her forehead. Her heart thudded in her chest and her throat felt dry. His nose traced her cheeks and was close enough to hers, for her to feel his warm breath against her lips when Aniruddha was jolted by her sudden push. She stepped back, playfully, as evidently as she blushed and ran down the stairs. Aniruddha followed.
He reached the room, after her, as Bondita stood, dripping wet from head to toe, her back to him. Bondita could feel his presence as he locked the door and walked up behind her. She was too embarrassed and conscious to move. Her hand moved to hold on to the bedpost as though her knees felt weak.
“Let’s dry you up,” Aniruddha whispered as he tugged slightly at her anchol and let it fall over her arm.
His tone had changed from sincere to amused. Her hand tightened on the wooden post of the bed, a little nervous.
“Or, I can tell you everything I wanted to say and you wanted to hear all along.” He blushed slightly, placing his hand over hers on the post. Bondita turned, slipping her hand away from his, as he moved forward, maintaining their proximity, eyes captive in each other.
“Do you trust me?” He asked as she nodded shyly.
“You know Aniruddha will never hurt his Bondita, right?” He made her nod again, this time with a blush as he pulled her into an embrace.
The thunder rumbled, and the rain stood witness to their union.
Bondita woke up to find Aniruddha missing from bed. She jolted up, thinking she was late for her chores and stopped as the clock read 4.30A.M. Where was he? She frowned trying to get out of bed when she suddenly remembered the happenings of the previous night. A smile curved her lips as she bunned her hair up and wrapped her saree around herself. She opened the window to find that the clouds had retreated and the parched earth finally soaked in raindrops felt like perfume on her nostrils. She suddenly remembered the musk perfume he smelled of. It was as though he had left his scent on her. Bondita blushed as she walked to the washroom. Looking at her reflection in the mirror, her smudged Kajol and bindi and faded sindoor, she suddenly frowned. Where had he gone so early in the morning?
Bondita walked downstairs and found Koeli already trying to light the chulha. She smiled with a nod and went to offer her prayers to the Goddess. She stopped at the light of the study and frowned. She inhaled and walked up to open the door of the study. He looked up, tired and sleepless at her face, as though he expected her to find him here. Her freshly bathed cheeks flushed warm at his sight as she regained control of her beating heart.
“You are here. I was looking for you.” She tried hard to sound normal. As if nothing had changed. But she seemed to fail at it. For his eyes travelled to her and noticed her more longingly than she usually observed him. Her wet hair smelled of Champa oil, her bindi was freshly drawn as was her sindoor and she looked a little tired.
“Are you okay?” His voice had a hint of worry and guilt that made Bondita’s smile disappear.
She closed the study room door shut behind her and came up to him.
“Are you?” She asked as he looked away. She knelt down in front of him, placing her hand on his knees. “I thought we promised yesterday, no more secrets.”
He looked up at her, and down at her hand.
“Bondita. I… I always felt Asha is too young to be a mother now.” She nodded in agreement. “I don’t want… whatever happened… we can’t…” He stopped as she smiled.
“Wait here.” She said as she got up and walked up to the room through the spiral stairs making him frown.
When Bondita walked back down the stairs she placed the bottle of medicine Mashi had given her for Asha down on the coffee table. He picked it up, looked at its name and looked up at her with questioning eyes.
“Mashi gave them to me for Asha and she didn’t want to take them.” She shrugged. “You think I would let anything come in between a dream that had just started?” His eyes immediately reflected pride as she knelt down in front of him again. “But that also doesn’t mean I let go of us. I have just found you.” Aniruddha held her hands in his, handing over the bottle to her.
“Did I ever tell you that I am proud of who you are?” He smiled.
“You can tell that later. I need to fix breakfast now.” She got up “And go before Kakababu sees you and thinks I quarrelled and made you sleep here.” She frowned.
“Bondita!” She stopped at the threshold and turned at his call. He looked amused.
“Keep that bottle safe, you would need more of those.” He walked up the stairs, leaving her wide-eyed.
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