“Are you looking for someone?” Kabir turned to the question. The woman in front of him was in her mid-fifties in a saree with a key hanging from the end of her Anchol with a Ghomta over her head. She chewed Betel nut between her cheeks as she stared at his wrinkled Panjabi like she could sense he had travelled a long way. Kabir was unsure of the woman. She smiled warmly and exclaimed, “You must be Kabir. Jamaibabu is waiting for you.” She led him into the house.
“Nitibala Debi…” Someone called her as she exused herself in urgency, showing him an open door at the end of the corridor. Kabir walked to the threshold to find the leader sipping tea, sitting on a reclining chair in a room that appeared to be an office. Ramdas was sitting at his feet, massaging them. Kabir stood at the threshold and cleared his throat. The Leader looked up and acknowledged him with a faint smile.
“Esho.” He called Kabir to sit beside him on an empty chair. “Ramdas, go tell Shalika Mohashoya to give him some Sharbat. He has travelled far.” Ramdas promptly got up and ran, and Kabir now knew that the lady he had met was the Leader’s sister-in-law.
“What is this place, Mastermoshai?” He asked. The Leader eyed him.
“This school is run by Nitibala Debi. Her husband works in a factory near Cossimbazar and stays away most of the time. She has no children, so my children often come and stay here.”
“Is this from where we get the messages?” Kabir was curious. The leader smiled. Kabir knew he had overstepped his boundaries, and his question would not be answered.
“What do you need from me?” He asked.
“Kabir, have you heard from Sharat?” The Leader’s voice was grim, his face serious. “Is he alive or…?” Kabir looked up at the leader, and for the first time, he saw a father in Upendra. He inhaled.
“I am afraid I have no news of him, Mastermoshai. If he contacts me, I will…”
“Do you have a family, Kabir?” The leader’s question surprised him. One of the rules the anarchists followed strictly was never to ask about families. Yet, something was different in the leader that day. He looked up at Kabir, placed the empty cup and saucer down and leaned forward to repeat his question.
“I have a brother who thinks I am dead.”
“And? Are you married?” Upendra stared at Kabir, looking away awkwardly.
“I vowed not to,” Kabir said with his jaw tightened. “My life belongs to the motherland.”
“So nobody to go home to?” Upendra expected a quick answer. Instead, Kabir was silent. Upendra smiled.
“Whoever she is, it's time to say your goodbyes.” Upendra’s voice was low and firm. The order made Kabir look up at him. With one glance, he knew Upendra had chosen him for the most sacred sacrifice.
“I would have sent Sharat had I known if he was still alive…” Upendra sighed. “Apologise to her on my behalf.”
“No, Mastermoshai.” Kabir shook his head firmly. “She knows the cost of choosing me, the way I know the cost of choosing this path.” Upendra smiled dryly at the young man. “All I can hope is that the future generations remember you.”
“When and where?” Kabir asked with zest. Upendra sighed.
“I have decided to dismantle the group after this last mission.” Kabir gasped at his words with widened eyes.
“What?” He shook his head. “Don’t do that, Mastermoshai. What will happen to the hundreds like me whose only hope is you?” Upendra sighed again at his words. “There are thousands of ways to serve the nation; they will find others.”
“Is the police after us?” Kabir asked. Upendra nodded. “They are close to finding out about the group. My intel tells me they will start fresh raids soon. The only way to interrupt it and plan a proper dismantling is…”
“To kill the investigating officer?” Kabir finished his words. Upendra nodded.
“For now, go back to your hideout and carry on with your usual life. Give me two to three weeks to instruct everyone and choose my path… then I will tell you the name of the target.”
“Mastermoshai, where will you go?” Kabir asked, a little scared. “You have a wife and family.”
“They can survive with me leaving rather than being dragged in chains and hanged,” Upendra spoke firmly. “I have made my choices, and I will choose the consequences that would affect them the least. Especially Bou…” For the first time, Kabir heard him speak of his wife, “She is a gentle soul. She won’t be able to take it. She won’t be able to take it if something happens to Sharat. I know he is her favourite child.”
“If you want, Meera can go looking for him,” Kabir suggested. “She can involve Swadhin.”
“No.” The leader was firm. “I want no further involvement from anyone. All I want is for you to do the said task to dismantle it properly and disappear without a trace. I am sure in the future all the men and women I trained will serve the nation the way I taught them.” He looked up at Kabir’s furrowed brows and smiled faintly. “Do I sound like a coward running away like that?”
“No.” Kabir shook his head. “You are needed alive to help the cause.” He said firmly. “Even Sree Krishna left the lost cause of war when he needed to.” The leader placed his hand on Kabir’s shoulders.
“Are you disappointed in me? Did I fail?” He asked. Kabir placed his hand over the man’s and shook his head.
“You gave us purpose, Mastermoshai. Thank you for choosing me for this mission. It has been an honour working with you.”
Kalyani frowned a little when she found Abhaya at her door in the early hours of the morning. She eyed Swadhin helping Sharat out of the room and into the courtyard.
“We came to take Naw Da back,” Abhaya spoke as Kalyani looked away. “He wants to go back home.”
“Does he?” Kalyani frowned slightly “And what will you say about his injuries?”
“His brother will find an excuse. He’s good at making excuses.” Kalyani did not miss the wifely taunt on Abhaya’s lips as she eyed the brothers. “But I came to talk to you.”
“If you are here to persuade me to go with you, I told you before…”
“I am here to tell you that I thought a lot…” Abhaya bit her lips.
“About what?” Kalyani asked with raised brows.
“You. Me. Us. Where life will take us…” She made Kalyani smile, amused. “You are married, Bon, stop thinking of this ill-fated woman now.” Abhaya looked up at her face.
“We choose our fate, Didi.” She said abruptly. Kalyani looked surprised.
“Now, are you saying I chose the widow's life?” She shook her head. “Did I want him to die?”
“No.” Abhaya was firm. “But now you can choose a different path and be happy.”
“Abhaya!” Kalyani snapped at her. “Do you have any idea what you are saying?”
“I have.” Abhaya stared at her sister and held her hand as she looked away. “Denying things doesn't make them go away.”
“Do you have any idea about the consequences of it?” Kalyani sounded scared. Abhaya smiled faintly. “All I know is that he will respect you the way you always wanted.”
“What about society? Family? Religion?”
“Nothing matters more than your happiness, Didi. It is your life. You live once. Think of yourself first.” Abhaya made Kalyani gasp as she drew her hand away from her sister.
“Seems like your in-laws have rubbed off on you, you have forgotten your upbringing.” Kalyani snapped again. Abhaya smiled faintly.
“I have not, I have learnt to abide by my religion better by reading about it. We always believed in the hearsay of society, Didi. It is time we unlearn that and learn from experiences.” Abhaya looked up at Kalyani, teary-eyed. “We survived death, for what? Everything has a reason. Yours was to find love.” She glanced over her shoulder at Sharat, blessing Mohini, who touched his feet, teary-eyed.
“What about you?” Kalyani asked with tightened jaws. “What is your purpose?” Abhaya sighed, “I am still looking for it.” Kalyani grew concerned for her younger sister. She held her hands and asked, “Does Swadhin not…”
“He is better than I ever expected, Didi.” Abhaya shook her head,
“Then? Don’t you love him?” Kalyani’s words made Abhaya’s heart skip a beat. She knew in her deepest thoughts that every time she felt it, Abhaya forced herself to shove the feeling away with reminders of the night that changed her life. Her purpose was revenge on the people who harmed her family. Swadhin was an accessory to them. She could never allow herself to be in love with him, even if he was her husband.
“Think about what I said, Didi. Please. I will come back next week.” Kalyani watched her join Swadhin near the car and open the door for Sharat as Swadhin helped him in.
Sharat stared out of the car window first at the children, and Mohini waved them goodbye, then his eyes fell on Kalyani standing at the threshold. Her gaze at him made his heart ache. It was better to leave without a goodbye than hear her accusations. He looked away. Swadhin drove off with Abhaya beside him as Kalyani stared at the car disappearing on the horizon. Mohini wiped her tears and stared at Kalyani briefly, like she wanted to say something. But she chose to leave Kalyani alone and walk inside.
The Gangopadhay house was cast with a shadow of panic and doubt as they gathered around Sharat and heard Swadhin narrate about the accident. Nonibala Debi shed tears as Bimala and Protima promised to nurse him back to health. Abhaya went up to Sharat's room and cleaned it with the maids. The children hovered around their uncle, glaring at his bruises, unsure of approaching him even when he smiled and called them. Renu and Uma took charge of the medicines and promised Swadhin they would force Naw Da to have the medicines in time. The elder brothers cursed Sharat’s carefree attitude, immaturity and impulsiveness as the cause of his misery. Sharat smiled faintly, knowing well that it was their way of showing care.
“I will send you to Calcutta to Shejo immediately when you heal.” Nonibala Debi said firmly between her tears. “He will discipline you. We have spoiled you enough.”
“Then we can go with him and pray at Kalighat too.” Protima prompted. “Some evil eye is upon this house. One after another…”
“And what will Shejda do?” Sharat asked his mother with a faint smile. “Appoint me as his clerk, as I follow him from courtroom to courtroom?”
“Shejo Boudi is alone there. Don’t dump him on them.” Swadhin agreed. Nonibala Debi cursed her luck and her unknown sins that she had birthed such sons. Protima and Bimala dragged their sobbing mother-in-law away to her bedroom before she fell sick.
“Write to your Baba, Boro Khoka. He said he will be in Medinipur.” She ordered her firstborn. “Tell him about Sharat’s health. He needs to come here and see for himself.”
Abhaya poured fresh water on the vase and placed the flowers Renu picked from the garden in them. She then eyed Sharat as he made himself comfortable on the bed.
“Are you happy coming back home?” She asked. Sharat eyed her. The sarcasm in her voice was not easily missed.
“I am more comfortable.” He said nonchalantly. “But a little uneasy that I hurt Maa.”
“Oh, hurting people does make you uncomfortable, then?” Abhaya asked as she placed the medicines in a box with a jug of water on the bedside table.
“What do you want me to do?” Sharat asked with furrowed brows. “Kidnap your sister?” Abhaya chuckled at his words as he continued staring at her.
“Men.” She said, shaking her head and adjusting her Ghomta a little. “You often forget what it's like for women.”
“And that would be?” Sharat asked. Abhaya sat down on the edge of the bed at his feet.
“Do you think it's easy for a woman to share her feelings?” She asked. Sharat looked confused. “The ease with which you claim your feelings is not so easy for women. Women are taught to think of everyone else first. So she thinks of the society, the family, the consequences before she can acknowledge the feeling…”
“And what am I supposed to do?” Sharat asked.
“Be patient. Let her come to you rather than push her away. Let her accept her feelings rather than force your feelings on her.” Abhaya spoke in a distant voice.
“And you sound like you have been familiar with such situations.” Sharat taunted with a faint smile.
“You can taunt me as much as you want to, Naw Da.” Abhaya smiled back at him. “But you will need me. Mark my words.”
“You are scaring me.” Abhaya was amused at his words.
“So I can scare you and not the police?” Abhaya chuckled. “I am honoured.”
“Please, Abhaya. Don’t try to help a lost cause.” Sharat saw her walking away, mumbling to herself.
It was late at night when Sharat woke up, sweating as his fever came down. He had fallen asleep with Nonibala Debi still at his bedside. He had no idea when his mother left him sleeping. Swadhin said he would feel better in a day or two. But Sharat knew he felt weak. He reached out for the half-filled glass of water at his bedside table. His hand stopped as someone else picked the glass up for him. Sharat stared at the silhouette of a woman in the darkness of his room, almost alarmed. Before he could make sense of things, Kalyani pushed the glass of water in his hand.
“Wha… what are you doing here?” He managed before drinking the water. Kalyani sat down by his feet, where Abhaya once sat. “Swadhin brought me here.” Sharat pressed his lips together at her words.
“Good to know you gave in to Abhaya’s request of staying with her.” He managed a faint smile.
“That is not why I am here.” Kalyani looked away briefly before staring back at him. Sharat’s eyes were questioning, and his lips parted, but no words came out of them.
“Is it true that you will leave for Calcutta?” She asked. Sharat inhaled.
“I think so. There is nothing left for me here.”
“What about the mission?” Kalyani asked with narrowed brows. Sharat smiled faintly.
“Mohini can take care of things. I will keep sending them money.”
“What about your father and his purpose?” Kalyani asked again. Sharat shook his head.
“If I know him enough, I won’t be needed here. Maybe I can work better from Calcutta.” He stopped a little unsurely. “But why are you here if not to stay?”
Kalyani startled Sharat by lowering her head to his feet as she wept. “What about me?” She sobbed. “What will I do? Where will I go? Tell me.” Sharat felt uneasy as he tried to push her up from his feet and failed.
“Kalyani…” He murmured. “You can stay at the mission. Nobody will harm you.”
“And you will never see me again?” Kalyani lifted her head slightly, holding his feet with her cold hands.
“If you want that…” Sharat nodded.
“And if I want to go with you?” Kalyani’s words made him frown.
“Where will I take you, Kalyani? I will be staying at my brother’s place.” Sharat shook his head.
“ What if this ill-fated woman tells you that you are all she has left in the world to hope for a better life with?” Sharat lifted Kalyani from his feet up to his bedside by her shoulders firmly.
“Then I can promise you, I will do anything to be with you.” He said without a second thought. They were interrupted by the sound of the grandfather clock in the hallway chiming thrice.
“What about the family? What if they oppose?” Kalyani sounded worried as Sharat wiped away the tears from her cheeks. Her cheeks grew warm as she looked away. Sharat smiled faintly. “Then we will live separately in Calcutta and start afresh. I will run a school. You can teach them to sing.”
“But you are a Kulin Brahmin. The Pandits may oppose a widow…”
“Then we will convert to the Brahma Samaj. Shejda will help us.” Sharat reassured. “He is quite active in their circles.”
“Has he converted?” Kalyani asked. Sharat shrugged, “Even if he has, he doesn’t want to hurt Ma by saying it.”
“What about you?” Kalyani was worried. “Are you not going to hurt her, too?”
“Maybe at first.” Sharat nodded. “But don’t change your decision, please. It took you ages to reach this acceptance.” Kalyani smiled coyly.
“Tell me what you want me to do now.” She asked. Sharat thought for a while, his hand not leaving hers even for a second.
“For now, go back to the mission. Swadhin will take you to Calcutta first. Shejda will telegram back home once you reach. Then I will join you there. Meanwhile, I will tell Shejda everything, and he can arrange for things… “ He stared at Kalyani longingly. “So that we can get married as soon as we are in Calcutta.” Kalyani nodded at his words. “I want Abhaya there too.” Sharat nodded at her, and a moment passed in blissful silence. Sharat surprised Kalyani with an embrace.
“I promise you, you will never regret choosing me.” He kissed her forehead. Kalyani nodded at him.
“I should leave before dawn. Swadhin will take me back. He is waiting in the car outside the main door.” Sharat nodded as Kalyani touched his feet again and left noiselessly. Sharat watched her leave and sighed, with a satisfying smile refusing to leave his lips.
Kabir could not tell Meera anything except the news of the dismantling of the group. Meera stared at him in disbelief when he explained the reasons behind the leader’s decision.
“They suspect inside intel being stolen before the attack on the weaponry, and that gave them an apparent solid lead on the group.” Meera was worried. They often talked about the dark days. What the group members were expected to do in case of an emergency. The decision was made that once the group was dismantled, they would all settle in different places and discontinue relationships with each other. They would never try to establish further contacts and join other groups or political parties to help the cause of freedom. Meera had made up her mind to join the Congress in Tamluk. It was where protests were organised against the government quite actively. But it would also mean not seeing Kabir ever again. Even if they met by accident, they were expected to act like strangers.
“What are you thinking?” Kabir asked her as she stared at him, unmindfully playing with the piece of roti she had dipped in the curry.
“That it will be strange to see you in a crowd and not acknowledge you.” Kabir’s hand stopped at his morsel. A faint smile appeared on his face.
“I am sure you will find better people to work with. Some who won’t get on your nerves or demand good food.”He forced a smile. Meera frowned at him.
“Are you hiding something from me?” Her question startled Kabir. He looked away.
“No… I told you what…”
“I know that is not the entire truth.” Meera inferred. “And it is okay.” She got up with her half-eaten plate of dinner and tucked the anchol at her waist, and started washing the dishes. Kabir followed her to the kitchen.
“Believe me, if I could have told you, I would have.” He said softly. Meera’s hands stopped at the dishes. She washed the soap from her hands with a sigh.
“I know that. I am sorry to expect…”
“Please let's not spend these last few days in any kind of animosity.” Kabir regretted saying the words he uttered. Meera glanced over her shoulder at him, intentionally. “What do you mean by the last few?”
“I mean, we may disband very soon.”
“That is not what you mean.” Meera stepped towards Kabir, who avoided her glare. She held his hand in hers and asked again. “Have you been assigned … to some mission?” Kabir nodded affirmatively at her. “I can’t speak of it to you… or anyone…”
“Who else will be with you?” Meera knew the answer to this question would give her an idea about the type of mission he was on. Kabir was reluctant to answer, for he knew the intention behind her question. Meera’s face turned pale. “Alone?” She asked with a trembling voice. Kabir was quiet. Meera stepped back and stared at him, looking away. She knew the only type of mission people were sent on, alone or with another person, was mostly suicidal. Kabir could sense her sniff and compose herself as he looked up at her.
“I did not want to upset you, Meera. I…”
“How much time do we have left?” Meera’s question was firm. Kabir looked up at her words, at her eyes sparkling a little with tears in contrast to the forceful, faint smile she wore. Kabir’s heart sank. Meera repeated her question, this time stepping forward, closer to him. Kabir could feel her warmth, and Meera could feel his breath.
“Two… Three… umm… weeks…” Kabir stuttered, unsurely. Meera nodded silently and then hugged him. Kabir hugged her back firmly. A moment passed in silence as they felt each other’s breath, smelled each other’s perfume and synced their fast-paced heartbeats. Meera was the first to speak.
“I promise not to be upset after today.” She said softly. Kabir nodded with a faint smile.
“No, Meera. Be upset. Selfish as it may sound, I always wanted someone to mourn me when I am gone.” His eyes sparkled. “ I now know I will be remembered.”
“I will make sure you are not forgotten by anyone who ever knew you.” Meera nodded.
“For that, you have to promise me to be safe and live your life the way you always do.” Kabir patted her head gently.
“You mean recklessly?” Meera chuckled, hiding her face briefly in his chest, feeling the soft cotton Panjabi against her cheeks.
“I mean bravely.” Kabir nodded with a smile.
“Can I ask you for something, without any questions asked?” Meera’s question made Kabir nod.
“Can you give me two weeks of a home?” Kabir drew out of the embrace at Meera’s words with slightly narrowed eyes. Meera smiled at him. “I want to know what a home feels like.”
“Meera.” Kabir held her shoulders firmly. “You will. Someday you will.” He reassured her. “With someone…”
“I want a home with you.” Meera took all her strength to blurt out the words. Kabir felt like he could not breathe. “I know it is not the right time to say such things. I should be your strength and not your weakness, but… in the days you weren’t here, I have missed you terribly…” Meera inhaled. “I don’t want to live my life with a what if.”
“I cannot put you in jeopardy by marrying you. If I get caught, you will be in trouble. And so will the string of people connected to you. Swadhin, Sharat and Mastermoshai.” Meera smiled at his worry.
“I am not asking you to marry me, Kabir.” Meera shook her head. “There are greater relationships in the world than those that have names in society.”
“I can never leave knowing you will be in misery, Meera.”
“I will not be in any misery if you accept me in every way you would accept a wife, Kabir.”
“That was the dream, wasn’t it?” He smiled faintly, staring at her longingly. Meera wrapped her arms around his neck and touched her lips to his gently. Then she waited for him to respond. Kabir lifted her with utmost urgency, as if she were weightless and took her to the room. Kabir and Meera had been with many people in their lives. But they never felt emotional about any of their intimate relationships. For the first time, Meera cried as he pushed himself into her. Kabir was worried he had hurt her in his own needs when Meera reassured him she was fine. Those tears were happy. Kabir hugged her like he would never let her go. Neither of them uttered the dreaded word, love. But both of them felt it. With her hand in his, Kabir promised Meera he would be with her every waking moment of his day till the mission. Meera smiled faintly at him. When he was asleep, she watched him breathe.
A lone tear trickled down her cheek as Meera silently promised Kabir to be his till the last moment of her life. She knew a marriage would have complicated things. Their religion was different. Their people were different. The society and its approval of marriages worked on caste, creed, class and religion. Her heart did not need that stamp of approval to be married to him for eternity. Meera started counting the days to his departure.
