I don’t know how long I have been walking down the otherwise secluded local beach. I randomly got down from the Auto here, saying that I would find my way back to the hotel. My new slippers dangled on one hand and my purse on the other as I felt the sand under my feet. The sun is going down, and the road a few feet from where I stand is buzzing with shops, shacks and people, yet there is a sense of loneliness and calm where I stand. The best way to get over a breakup is by cutting your hair, they say. So I chopped off my long, wavy hair to a long bob I don’t like. Go Shopping, they said. So I spent my month’s salary. Go on a solo trip and find yourself, they said. So here I was. On the beaches of Kerala, with a copy of Eat.Pray.Love. Hoping to find myself. Have I? All I found were amazing seafood dishes to try, a few good spots, and this sunset. I reflected on my past few years today as I cried in the shower once again. I waited for him for too long, didn’t I? My sister kept saying I should be the one asking questions, seeking clarity. You don’t see a full, clear picture unless you come out of a relationship. I did not see him gaslighting me. Perhaps I was naive, swept away by his wordy gestures and romantic approach right before I graduated, enough to say yes to his proposal, and he thought he could control me with a rock on my finger. He succeeded for a while. I stopped dreaming. I believed his dreams were mine. I believed his life goals were mine. Where did I stand in that house he promised to make a home? Like the painting on the living room wall. It was expensive, adding to the beauty of the decor, but otherwise useless. He did not lose any opportunity to remind me to be grateful, and I was. For I thought love was that. All that he said was. But now the weight of love has lifted from my shoulders. The burden of a relationship is removed. I am seeing the sunset, but not watching it truly. My mind is disturbed. In the last three years, I have lost my home and people I called friends. Isolated and alone, I perhaps held on to him even more as a reminder of my past, a shadow of the life I had. My sister was abroad, and his offer to shift to India moved me. It is eerie how you believe some people would stay forever until they don’t. I could now feel a presence behind me, and I was immediately alerted. I hold my purse close and discreetly search for the pepper spray. A woman alone on a solo trip had better be alert.
“Excuse me.” Pratap was a little breathless as he called out to the woman from a distance. He watched her stop. He was careful enough not to approach her, aware of the fact that she might feel threatened. “I was just hoping…”
The voice sounded so familiar yet… Ajabdeh turned, holding her purse close to her chest as she let out a gasp.
“Pratap?” If not for his voice, she would not have recognised him at first glance. He wore a stubble like the fashion of the day and had rimless glasses she did not remember him wearing. His shorts were blue, and his shirt was printed with floral motifs.
“Ajabdeh!” He was equally surprised. “What are you doing here?” How many years had it been? Three? Four? Five? Or was it more? He remembered her last glimpse of that day. The prospect of marriage and a bright future ahead had made her glow. Today, she looked a little tired, tanned and older. He remembered her glasses. She wore contacts now, probably.
“The same thing you are doing.” She eyed his camera hanging from his neck and smiled sheepishly. Her smile did not reach her eyes. “Being a tourist.”
“I am on a solo trip,” Pratap said immediately. He looked around discreetly. Where was her husband?
“So am I.” She nodded as she turned to start walking again. For a moment, Pratap stood there confused. Should he ask or …
“So what are you up to these days?” He managed without trying to sound intrusive. He caught up to her and started walking down the beach alongside her. To anyone looking from the road, they would look like a couple out for a stroll.
“Finding myself.” She said plainly. Pratap pressed his lips together. Her voice once had a happy vibe that now lacked any emotion. They walked for a while in silence before Pratap decided to break the awkwardness.
“I am working in Mumbai currently.” He said first. “Dad and Mom are settled in Shimla. What about you?”
"I stay in Udaipur. And work as a lecturer.” Ajabdeh nodded as Pratap frowned at her words.
“I thought you were abroad… The last time we spoke…” She stopped walking and turned her face to him a little blankly, as she looked up at his words.
“You remember that?” He shrugged sheepishly. Of course, he did. She held her hair, messy from the breeze and swept it to one side.
“The wedding never happened.” She started walking again as Pratap was at a loss for words. Could he ask what happened? “My parents died in a car crash three days before…” He let out an involuntary gasp of shock.
“I am so sorry, Ajabdeh.” She nodded at his words. “He came to be with me, especially when my sister went abroad.”
“Then?” Something told him she needed to share her story, and he did not hesitate to inquire anymore.
“We decided to live together for a couple of years and then tie the knot. And he said I did not need a job and that he would take care of everything.”
“Did he?” Pratap’s question made her nod. “He did! And the price of that was my freedom.”
“I am so sorry.” He said genuinely. Ajabdeh stopped and turned to face him.
“Do you realise we don’t know who we are until we are truly alone?” He was unsure whether the question was rhetorical. A smile appeared on her face. “I did not know myself enough back then.”
“So you… umm… got married after some time?” Pratap asked as she shook her head.
“He never brought it up anymore. I never bothered, either. We were living like we were married anyway. Until he wanted out.” Pratap could now see the bags under her eyes. The sadness in them began to make sense. She looked older than she was. Stressed by life. She eyed him, staring at her as he looked away.
“You seem to be doing well.” She shrugged and changed the topic. “Enough about me, what about you?”
“I… umm… have a good job in a corporate bank and I spend all my money travelling.” He smiled, almost guilty of his lifestyle. He had been seeing a few women he matched with on online dating services. He had been on dates that yielded nothing, and one of his friends said he should stop looking until he knew what he was looking for. He eyed her, staring blankly at the waves that crashed at her feet, gently touching her toes. A sudden realisation dawned on him, even when he tried hard to resist the thoughts. He was looking for her in every person he ever met. Was it creepy? He could count the hours he had spent with her, yet there was a vision of her in his head that he could never let go of. Every time he had been with her, no matter how short the time was, Pratap had a peaceful, soothing feeling about it. He looked around the fairly empty beach and tried to soak in the moment. His experience told him he needed to etch this moment in his memory. Ajabdeh stopped and picked up a shell.
“Look at that.” She said with a smile. For the first time, her smile reached her eyes. Pratap smiled back at her. The sun was now on the farthest horizon, the eastern sky already welcoming twilight. In the distance, locals were flying a variety of kites, painting the canvas above in bright colours. Ajabdeh looked up at the kites while they walked.
“Where are you staying?” She asked as he mentioned his hotel.
“Oh, that is two buildings down from mine.” She said without naming hers. She looked up at the shacks on the road, lost in her thoughts as her feet made an impression on the wet sand. Pratap fell behind as he noticed the impressions being washed away by the waves.
“Are you here because of the breakup?” He asked at last. She nodded, directing him to one of the shacks on the beach road. They spotted two empty seats from outside in the fairly crowded shack and walked in to sit down face-to-face while the waiter handed them the menu.
“Drinks?” She asked as he nodded. She ordered two beers without looking at the menu and started talking again. This time, she looked at him straight into his eyes, and he was sure her contact lenses were brown. Because he remembered her eyes being ebony.
“So you don’t have anyone to travel with?” Her brows raised as he smiled at her indication. “I am not looking for...”
“Why?” She interrupted with narrowed brows.
“YOU are asking that?” Pratap asked, almost shocked. “Look where it got you.” She smiled sheepishly.
“Who said I stopped believing in love? I just had a bad experience with someone who did not love me.”
“Is that so? Then tell me this, what makes you fall in love even after getting your heart broken?” He asked curiously, putting his elbows down on the table and cupping his chin as the waiter placed the chilled beers down with a mixture of nuts. “You got your heart broken because you loved him.”
“Hope is a foolish thing.” Ajabdeh shrugged as she took a sip from her bottle.
“Hope?” He shook his head. “Isn’t that foolish to repeat the same things and expect different results?”
“Isn’t that what we are doing here?” Ajabdeh’s teasing smile made his heart skip a beat. “Are we not repeating things, knowing that we will again part as strangers?”
“That is different.” He said, firmly shaking his head again. “We are not hurting each other with false promises.”
“See, from where I see it… Love is more about you than them.” Ajabdeh shrugged. Pratap took a few cashews from the plate and raised his eyebrows.
“Explain?” The hint of disbelief in his voice was not to be missed.
“You see.” Ajabdeh placed her bottle down and leaned in to speak over the crowd. “When he left, I knew he was not worthy of my love. He did not understand it. But I was hurt more about myself than about the fact that he did not love me.”
“You blamed yourself?” Pratap sounded disturbed. “That’s…”
“No. I blamed the way I loved him. You love the way you want them to love you back, and when you expect so, that disappoints you.” She looked at his confused face and let out a small chuckle. “Everyone loves differently; you just have to find the one that suits you.” She could see Pratap contemplating her words as she leaned back and took another sip.
“You mean someone who loves how I want to be loved?” Pratap raised his eyebrows. “That’s hard.”
“Not hard. I would say rare. Precious.” Ajabdeh’s face glowed in the twilight hue. “Hence, everyone is looking for it, but few find it.”
“Then why look for something I may never find?” Pratap shrugged.
“Who told you to look for it? But be open to the idea. Let the feeling come to you.” Ajabdeh leaned in again as she smiled. “Don’t resist.”
“For someone just out of a relationship, you are extremely preachy about the idea.” Pratap smiled, shaking his head.
“Relationships are flawed, people are flawed. Not love. It's an idea.” Ajabdeh raised her eyebrows and smiled.
“It's just a chemical reaction in the brain. Science says you look at someone you are attracted to, and your hormones act up. It is just a reaction of the brain we call love.” Pratap stopped as she laughed. He let her, watching her with a smile as she seemed a little loosened by the alcohol in her system.
“You are defining lust now.” She said, taking another sip and staring at the sky for a while.
“No. Even if you get to know someone and feel drawn by their mannerism, it's because of your chemical reactions.” Pratap shrugged. “That is how animals procreate. There is nothing more to it.”
“So you think love is about procreation?” Ajabdeh sounded alarmed. “I wonder if kids could make my relationship work.” The sarcasm in her voice was not missed.
“You know that is not what I mean.” He shook his head. Ajabdeh’s attention was now drawn to a cheering sound on the road. A flock of foreign tourists were taking pictures with the boy who was selling fridge magnets. The thin, tanned child in shabby clothes smiled his brightest smile with the group. Ajabdeh smiled involuntarily and then looked at Pratap. He seemed lost in his thoughts, reading the pamphlet on the table unmindfully.
“So, you never felt attracted to anyone? Men or women?” She began the conversation again.
“I don’t claim to be above it all. But to take a leap of faith with someone…” He stopped as she smiled.
“Then don’t.” She shrugged, “You are chasing an idea of love that others fed you. Find your own.”
“Maybe.” The sun was long gone now, and the beaches were being emptied. Ajabdeh checked the time on her phone. Pratap took it as an indication that she needed to leave.
The drinks were over, and Pratap offered to pay the bill.
“Fine, let me buy dinner then.” She insisted.
“Okay, I can agree to a meal. I have been eating alone for a long time.” He nodded with a smile.
“Okay then, 8 PM sharp.” She stood up and picked up her purse. She dusted the sand off her dry feet and adjusted her slippers. “I will pick you up.”
“See you around.”
Pratap reached the hotel lobby at 7.46 PM. He checked the time on his phone as he stepped out of the elevator in a pair of jeans and a white shirt, adjusting his rimless glasses on his well-groomed face when he could spot her across the busy lobby. Someone was as eager for dinner as he was. She glanced over her shoulder and spotted him as she waved with a smile.
“I was hungry, so I took my chances by coming early.” Ajabdeh smiled sheepishly. The glasses on her nose were back, and they were black Catseye-framed, matching the polka-dotted black and white dress she was wearing with a pair of white sneakers. She held the yellow satchel swung across her shoulder and nodded as he approached her. “Let’s go.”
While managing to cut his well-made steak, Pratap suddenly looked up at her, staring at him, while playing with the French fries she had on the edge of her fork.
“What?” He asked.
“You remember the first time we met?”
“You mean when you were staring at me while I read a book?” He asked, amused.
“Doctors.” She said plainly. “I loved that novel.”
“Me too. What made you suddenly think of that day?” He asked with narrowed brows.
“French fries.” She eyed her plate. “Every time I have them, I think of the day.” She resumed eating, and Pratap did not know what to say. So he concentrated on his morsel. The shack she chose was crowded with foreigners. Live music played in a corner as Ajabdeh noticed how the noise around her was full of different languages people spoke. She watched him eat silently and smiled again.
“Can I say something honestly?” She made him nod without looking up from his food.
“I wish we had more days the first time…” He stopped picking his steak with his fork as he glanced at her staring back at him before she ate a French fry. The fairy lights of the shack reflected on her glasses as her eyes twinkled like the stars in the clear sky they sat under.
“Pardon?” Pratap’s throat was dry.
“I mean… we barely got to be friends. I wanted to know you more. I wondered where you were. I regretted not connecting. So the second time around, I was happy to see you.” She concentrated back on her food as she dipped her fries in Ketchup.
“So was I. It was unexpected, and I did not think we would meet again.” Pratap agreed as the sea breeze felt salty on his skin and ruffled his hair.
“I have a confession, too.” He said, making her look up at him. “I wanted to ask you out, but you said you were getting married.” He expected her to be surprised, shocked, disappointed or even angry. Ajabdeh’s face was calm, and she still had the aura of a smile on her lips. “I know.”
Pratap opened his mouth, unsure of what he should say. So he did not and concentrated back on the food. He had been at the seaside for two days now, but his ears had gotten used to the sound of waves crashing in the distance. He realised that when they ate in silence. “I tried looking for you on social media.” He eyed her once as he spoke.
“And…What did you hope to find? Wedding pictures?” She seemed amused.
“I don’t know.” They resumed eating in silence.
“You knew?” He asked.
“Why did you think I asked you out to dinner today?” He looked a little taken aback by her words as she smiled.
“Because I paid for the evening drinks?” She agreed. “And… I wanted to be the one asking you out this time.”
“Am I a rebound to you?” He asked doubtfully. Ajabdeh’s smile grew wider.
“I am pretty sure I have had that, and it did not work out.”
“Then? Why?” He asked. Ajabdeh shrugged. “I don’t know. Meeting you today felt like… like…”
“I have been waiting for it to happen.” She looked up at his words and did not respond. He smiled back at her. “I am just trying to understand where we are headed.” The waiter came by to take the empty plates and refill the wine.
“You see that lighthouse.” She pointed as he nodded in an unsure way. “Its task is to lead the ships home. The ships just sail on.”
“So?” He asked with a frown.
“Our task is to live. It is the Universe that decides what happens.”
“Don’t we have choices, upon which our life depends?” He asked. She smiled, leaning in.
“Well then…If you had a choice, what would you have done differently?” Pratap looked up at her words. If it were any other sober moment, he would hesitate. Not today. Not when he had the opportunity.
“Umm…Not leave the city after I met you.” He seemed to have the answer on the tip of his tongue. She smiled.
“What about you?”
“I would not have told you about the engagement that day in Delhi. Let you ask me out.” Her eyes had a twinkle in them.
“You betrayer.” He shook his head. “Then you would dump me.” He feigned hurt, holding his chest. Ajabdeh laughed as he smiled back at her.
“Perhaps I would not have had a heartbreak then.” She stopped because her voice trembled. Pratap was unsure of what to say as he watched her gulp down the wine. He took a sip and waited for her to speak.
Ajabdeh looked up at the line of ships that were on the horizon, visible like stars in the night sky.
“What are those?” She asked.
“Navy ships for border security.” Pratap looked in that direction. “The lighthouse is giving them signals.”
“Is that why we are not allowed on the beach at night?” She wondered. He nodded. “Perhaps.”
The bill was paid, and Pratap helped her get down the steep bamboo ladder stairs of the shack.
“There you go.” She said, looking at the busy street. “Time to head back to the hotel.”
“Now that you have paid your part, what next?” Pratap asked. Ajabdeh smiled, amused. “How about you buy us dessert so that I can meet you again tomorrow to offer you breakfast?” Pratap smiled back at her.
“Or how about we start meeting without excuses?” He smiled as Ajabdeh nodded.
“I am going to Alleppey tomorrow at midday.” She said as she started to walk down the road.
“Do you have reservations?” He asked.
“The car will pick me up at 11 am.”
“I will be there.” He made her stop and glance over her shoulder at him. The breeze blew her hair all over her face as she smiled, trying to sweep it away, and a faint smile lingered on her lips. Pratap watched her as she noticed his longing smile and shook her head playfully.
“I don’t know what you are expecting … but… I have just come out of a traumatic experience.”
“You told me not to expect and let things happen… let people and feelings find me.” He reminded her.
“Oh, and you are doing that?” She chuckled, amused. Pratap stepped forward, closing the distance between them as Ajabdeh looked up at him. For a moment in the busy street, it seemed like he was the only person in her range of vision, and the noises had died down around them.
“I have been doing that since the last time we met.” Eyes met, and he smiled. Suddenly her cheeks felt warm and her stomach giddy. It eerily took her back to her teenage years when that was all she felt on her first day with him.
“We live in different parts of the country.” She said, raising her eyebrows.
“We also live in a global world. I am yet to see Rajasthan, maybe I will pay a visit.”
“I have yet to see Maharashtra, too.” She smiled back at him.
They walked together in silence as Pratap looked down at their feet on the cobbled path, falling together in sync. Left. Right. Left again. She could now see her hotel in the distance.
“You promise not to vanish this time for a few more years?” She asked with a hint of doubt. Pratap put his hands in his pockets and smiled sheepishly. “I won’t dare to.”
“And what if…” She pressed her lips. Pratap could hear the insecurity in her voice.
“Now you are overthinking it. Okay, let's not plan. How about a trip to Alleppey first? Like friends.” He made her nod.
“When are you leaving for … home?” She asked. He shrugged. “I can work remotely.” A smile curved her lips. Pratap bit his tongue. Did he come across too strongly? Too desperately? She shook her head as if she could read his mind.
“Great, then.” She surprised him by slipping her hand in his as they walked up the winding, uphill street of Kovalam that summer night. He held on to her fingers, entwined in his, eyeing her blushing smile, and he felt like a teenager in love again.
