Facing Fears

1610, Akbarabad

The harem was abuzz with preparations for the upcoming nuptials of Shehzaade Khurram with the Princess of Qandahar in full swing, while guests started arriving from all over the land. Prince Khusrau’s harem arrived from Allahabad, while Prince Pervez’s harem joined from Dakkhan. It was Khurram’s first wedding and an official proclamation into adulthood; hence, Jahangir instructed that the event should be nothing short of a festival that would go on for days. The caravans from the Safavid dynasty arrived early and were put up in comfort at Fatehpur Sikri while the wedding was arranged between the two cities. Jagat Gossain herself looked after the decorations while Rukaiya Begum entrusted Mehr Un Nisa to choose and order the wedding attire for the groom. Troops of horses, elephants, camels and foot soldiers were dressed up in wedding glory, and bands of musicians played in the Nahabat Khana day and night. Every corner of the fort was lit up, and alms were distributed to the poor. Jahangir ordered that no man should be in rags on the day of Khurram’s wedding and no beggar should sleep hungry. Since it was winter, Rukaiya Begum also distributed rugs and quilts from her own allowance and coins with special minted figures were distributed on the road. The fountains were filled with rose water, and the children of the harem were gifted sweets and dry fruits.

On this happy occasion, Jahangir appointed a scholar to paint and note the different body parts and species of various birds and animals of the emperor’s interest. All his pet antelopes, rare birds, lions, leopards and dogs were given special collars and food for the month. Jagat Gossain arranged for a feast at the temples of her hometown in Marwar, and the Rajput allies joined the party.

It was a month-long festivity, and the ladies and employees of the Harem were loaded with work. However, Rukaiya Begum never let Mehr out of her sight unless absolutely needed. She had grown dependent on Mehr, and she was compassionate toward the lady’s age and experience. Rukaiya Begum scrutinised all the clothes that were laid out for Shehzaade Khurram carefully and was happy with the heavily worked golden threads on the shawls, Jama, angrakhas, turbans and belts. She was more impressed with the very modern-style Turban Mehr Un Nisa herself had made as a gift to the prince.

Asaf Khan had been waiting at Mehr Un Nisa’s quarters as Ladli chattered away with her Uncle on the new clothes she had been gifted by the Sultana Begum for the wedding. Mehr Un Nisa walked across the threshold and stopped at her brother’s sight. Asaf Khan stood up and smiled at his sister.

“How are you, Mehr?” He asked.

“I have been well, Bhai Jaan; The Sultana Begum is very kind.” Mehr offered him water.

“I see the new curtains are very... royal...” Mehr Un Nisa’s colour flushed from her face at those words.

“I...”

“Oh, the Padshah gifted those!” Ladli gushed. “And did you see the cooking set he gifted me, Mamu Jaan?” She rushed to show off her new toys.

Asaf Khan nodded in appreciation. Mehr Un Nisa firmly stared at her child

“Ladli, go play with Khatuna in her room.”

“But it is late, Amma, you told me not to step out in the dark.” Ladli frowned.

“Today is an exception.” Mehr Un Nisa spoke, “Now go, I need to talk to your Mamu Jaan.”

Asaf Khan waited for the child to leave before he shut the door carefully behind him after inspecting the corridor.

“What do you think you are doing, Mehr?” He asked with a displeased voice.

“What am I doing?” Mehr Un Nisa looked up at his words.

“The Padshah is sending you gifts, the entire harem is talking of him trying to woo you back, can’t you see?” Asaf Khan frowned.

“There has been some misunderstanding, Bhai Jaan. The Padshah sent a few things in compensation for my loss, for which he is directly or indirectly responsible. He is shaking off guilt with the...”

Asaf Khan shook his head “How many times have I told you that the Padshah had nothing to do with whatever happened to Ali Quli? There was some miscommunication with Mirza Koka...”

“And... did you find the proof you promised me to back those words?” Mehr Un Nisa clenched her jaws.

“I hold no grudge against him.” She added softly.

“Then why are you thinking those gifts to be gestures of guilt and not care?” Asaf Khan’s words made Mehr Un Nisa smile faintly.

“Because I don’t want to think that he is still in love with me.”

“Why Mehr? Everyone knows that he is!”

“Because we all know what happened the last time!” Mehr Un Nisa shrugged.

“That is because you were hell-bent on marrying him and being his chief consort, which is not possible as long as he is married to princesses of higher ranks.”

“Bhai Jaan.” Mehr Un Nisa said firmly, staring right into Asaf Khan’s eyes, “If the emperor sent you here with an offer to be his mistress, then tell him I am the widow of a man of honour. I live for my daughter. I will never let fingers be pointed at her because of my actions.”

Asaf Khan sighed heavily. “He has not sent me with any such offer. If I know the man, he will be eager to propose to you a marriage rather than treat your love like that of a mistress. He honours you, he loves you. I just came here to warn you not to make the mistake of being adamant again. You can’t afford to lose everything this time. Ladli’s future is at stake, and our family is at stake. Arjumand’s happiness is at stake.”

Mehr Un Nisa gulped down something heavy in her throat as she said, “Why do women always have to make choices thinking of everyone but herself, and the men can go around doing whatever they want, not questioned even once?”

“You know Abbu hasn’t raised you that way, Mehr. He taught you everything he taught his sons. Riding, hunting, weaponry...”

“Perhaps that’s why I don’t find happiness if I am offered leftover Bhai Jaan. Being his twentieth wife will be like that, even if he offers marriage.”

Asaf Khan stared at his sister sternly “I beg you, Mehr. Don’t play with my Arjumand’s future.”

“Don’t worry, Bhai Jaan, thankfully, I see a lot of me in her, and she admires who I am; I will never jeopardise her future.”

Asaf Khan smiled, about to say something, when Mehr Un Nisa was quick to add, “You may leave.”

Khurram entered Rukaiya Begum’s chambers for breakfast as a spread lay in front of him. Rukaiya Begum was expecting to see her son after his daily appearance at the Diwan E Khas for the arriving guests, since a week was left before the wedding, and she served him food on silver plates herself.

Rukaiya Begum urged Mehr Un Nisa to hand his gift as she arrived to read to her the letters and firmans of the day.

“I...” Mehr Un Nisa looked uncomfortable as Rukaiya Begum smiled at Khurram “Mehr had hand-woven a very modern turban for you, yet she is reluctant to present it to you.”

Shehzaade Khurram smiled at Mehr Un Nisa, “I would love to see your hand-crafted turban! Arjumand tells me you are brilliant at it.”

“Arju emphasises things I do. This is just...” Mehr gave him the maroon velvet turban woven with gems and gold threads as Khurram smiled, “I will wear it tonight for the Dawaat.” Mehr Un Nisa bowed, “Thank you for honouring my gift, Shehzaade.”

Khurram kissed Rukaiya’s hands and stood up to leave. Rukaiya frowned.

“But you haven’t eaten it all, Khurram Baba.”

“I....” Khurram looked away, slightly red “Have to meet someone.”

Mehr-un-Nisa exchanged a quick glance, almost in a reflex, with the amused Rukaiya Begum.

“But who?” Rukaiya Begum smiled, wondering aloud, “Everyone is here.”

“Not everyone....” Khurram realised his mother was teasing him, seeing her smile, “Shah Ammi!” He shrugged and ran off, leaving Rukaiya Begum in soft laughter.

“Come now, Mehr Un Nisa, let’s see what you can do to my clothes. I do not like what the royal tailor made for the wedding. Can you add something?” She wondered aloud as Mehr Un Nisa sat down on the floor beside her chair and concentrated on the new project.

Rukaiya Begum noticed her a little absent-minded in between her sewing as she put a Paan into her mouth and asked, “Is everything alright?” Mehr Un Nisa was so deeply lost in her own thoughts that she didn’t hear the Begum speak. Rukaiya tapped at her shoulder, startling her “Is something wrong, Mehr?”

“No, my Begum, just ... I didn’t sleep well last night.” She confessed.

“Are you unwell?” Rukaiya Begum frowned “I can call the royal physician to check on you...”

“No... No, my Begum, it’s just... nothing in particular. Must be the weather.” Mehr Un Nisa shrugged.

Rukaiya Begum placed her hand gently on her head and tapped the seat beside her for Mehr to sit. She stared reluctantly as Rukaiya Begum smiled.

“Mehr, in these few years, you have become close to me. Almost like family. If something bothers you, we can talk, and I promise it will stay between us.”

“No, I...”

“Is it the gifts from the Padshah? Did anyone say something about it?” Her words made Mehr stare at her, a little taken aback. Embarrassment gripped her as she said, “You know?”

“Everyone knows. I think the Padshah didn’t even try to hide it.” Rukaiya Begum smiled at Mehr “His affection for you isn’t new.”

“Begum I... I didn’t want any of those. I even told him...”

“He told me that as well.” Mehr Un Nisa stared at her face at those words.

“But what I don’t know is your side of the story.” Rukaiya Begum stared at her “I know you once loved him deeply. I know that love never truly faded. What is it that’s stopping you this time, Mehr?”

Mehr Un Nisa’s eyes filled up with tears as she tried to hold them back. In a trembling voice, she said almost in a whisper, “I can’t betray my husband, Sultana Begum. I can’t be disloyal to him in life or death.” Rukaiya Begum’s heart skipped a beat as, in a reflex, she wrapped Mehr Un Nisa in a warm protective embrace.

“Oh no, my child!” She said, cupping Mehr’s face, “You will never betray him. I know that.”

“Then how can I do this? How can I be with another man?” Mehr Un Nisa asked.

Rukaiya Begum sighed. “You see, my child, before any other relationship comes in this world, before you are someone’s daughter, sister, mother or widow, there is a relationship above all of that. The one with yourself. And if you can’t make that relationship a happy one, no other relationships work. Everyone deserves a bit of happiness. You haven’t even lived half your life, to deny yourself that.”

“But Sultana Begum Sahib, how can I be with him, knowing my dead husband would feel cheated on? He had given me everything. A life, respect, and the joy of motherhood. Even when we had miscarriages or there was a problem with conceiving after Ladli, he never pressed for an heir. He never questioned my past even though he was well aware of it.”

“Mehr, your husband reminds me of someone I once knew... But take it from me, once they are gone, you have to protect yourself and your happiness. They will never come back. And all they want is your happiness. I am sure Ali Quli wouldn’t have liked Ladli growing up neglected and alone in the Harem quarters. Doesn’t she deserve better? Won’t you at least give her the chance to ...?”

“I understand that, but...” Mehr sighed, “I can’t get my mind off the thought that perhaps he was murdered. It was not a mere misunderstanding but a well-executed plan.”

“All right.” Rukaiya Begum seemed thoughtful “If you feel so, don’t discard that feeling. I don’t know what happened, but isn’t being in the harem, in authority, a better way to find that out yourself?”

“Pardon my audacity, but do you think the Padshah...?” Mehr Un Nisa looked scared as soon as she asked,

“No. I can tell you he is as much in the dark as we are, hence he immediately ordered a probe that went unsolved.” Rukaiya Begum shook her head “Look, Mehr, I am not telling you to give in or lose your self-respect. If this harem has taught me anything, it is that you come first, above everyone and everything. Because nobody else will watch out for you here. If you have some terms, feel free to tell the Padshah openly without any hesitation, but do not discard his offer. It will mean throwing away a bright future for you and Ladli.”

“I do not understand... why are you so kind to me, Begum?” Mehr looked surprised. Rukaiya Begum sighed. “There is something I see in you, Mehr, something perhaps I never saw in anyone else here all my life. I am doing this for the sake of my clan, for my grandfather’s dream and for a bright future. I, too, am selfish, you see.”