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So was I...


Ajabdeh had been awake all night, as dawn cleared the darkness, she had stood in front of the mirror and promised herself that she was never again going to let her guards down in front of Pratap. She was not naive, to not know that it lead nowhere in the future and that he could be in danger because of her impulsiveness. Ajabdeh promised herself, clenching her jaws, to stop her tears, which she will be the strong girl that she always has been, shutting people off her life. She was sure Pratap would want just that, he had made it clear with his actions that he wanted to be here for Badima and wanted no trouble. Patta had fastened Chetak’s saddle and waited for Pratap to come, but there was no sign of him. Ajabdeh arrived at the stable to find Patta alone and it was past 6AM. Her heart skipped a beat.
“Where is he?” Patta shook his head with a shrug. Ajabdeh dialled his number in vain and frowned. “He is never late.”
“Maybe Bhaiya is caught up somewhere...” Patta said matter of factly “Should I go and check?”
“No!” Ajabdeh stopped him, “ Let him be, you can help me ride today.” She told a reluctant Patta.
“But it is Chetak Baisa Hukum, let Bhaiya...”
“Patta!” Ajabdeh scolded him “Chetak has healed and he is not agitated like before. Besides, Pratap will not be here always, you need to learn to...” She stopped watching the boy tie the rope on Chetak.
“Come, Baisa Hukum, let me help you ride.”
Chetak was willingly taking Ajabdeh on his back and Ajabdeh repeated what she had learned. “One pulls to accelerate and two to stop” she murmured as Patta held on to the rope.
She pulled the reign twice but with intervals hoping the horse will stop but Chetak picked up the pace. Patta could no longer run with him, and the rope left his grip as he shouted “Baisa Hukum, pull the reign.” Panic-stricken, Ajabdeh pulled the reign only to make Chetak go faster. Patta ran after them in vain, as Ajabdeh panicked looking back at the boy. Staring ahead Ajabdeh could see Chetak heading for the trees.
“Oh my god, Chetak stop, please.” Her words came almost like a whisper as she let go of the reign and covered her face in fear. Chetak neighed as she opened her eyes and found him heading towards a taken-aback Pratap.
Pratap at that very moment was scared. He knew the technicalities, and he knew what was supposed to be done, but he was scared. One wrong move from him and ... I can’t lose her. As easily as the thought came to him, he had looked up at her, as she looked at him, equally scared.
“Pratap!” She shouted almost like a cry when Pratap moved out of the way enough to make Chetak head for the trees in the orchard. He then held the reign as Chetak slowed down at the sight of the trees. Pulling the reign back, he had fallen on his knees and got bruised, but he held on to the saddle belt and finally pulled himself up behind the scared princess.
“Move your hair out of my way!” His agitated voice rang almost behind her ears as she pulled back her locks together with shaking hands. He held the reign from both sides of her body, carefully avoiding contact as they ran into the narrow paths of the orchard with tall trees. Sunlight rarely made its way into the ground here, so thick was the vegetation. Chetak neighed at his pull and galloped a little more till he could finally stop him.
Pratap’s hand stopped right before touching the locks of highlighted curls that came over her face.
“Are you okay?” They spoke in unison as worried eyes met and Ajabdeh half turned on her saddle to check on him as Chetak neighed.
“Don’t move on the saddle!” He warned her gripping the reign instead, as she noticed a small cut on his forehead, probably because of some twig. “He does not like that.” Pratap turned the horse around looking at the path and not her scared face.
“Who told you to ride on your own?” He almost scolded “I was late because Badima had a fever.”
“Patta was helping and I thought... how is Meera Ma?” She frowned.
“Fine. But you know Chetak. He is choosy and you must have done something wrong!” He spoke with remorse. “You could hurt him or yourself badly! What were you thinking?”
“Sorry.” She murmured the apology like she was about to break down when his voice softened.
“It’s okay; now let’s take him back before Patta gets the entire village to the stables.” She smiled slightly at his words.
Pratap felt a strange tinge in him as her back brushed against his chest and the scent of her hair tickled his senses. He also felt a sense of completeness and relief that she was safe, with him, unharmed. He was not used to such sensations and felt a little ill at ease, carefully trying to avoid contact with her body, on the saddle in vain, as Chetak walked out of the orchards. Ajabdeh held the reigns carefully beside his strong built arms, and firm hands, as she could feel his breath in her ears. She suddenly felt thirsty and nauseated. Was it because of the horror ride or something else she couldn’t place! Pratap felt like he had a déjà vu, like a whole scene of some movie played before him, with him riding on the meadow, with a girl, whose locks disturbed his vision. It did not feel like the first time that this was happening to him, yet it was. She gulped a little and sighed heavily wishing the feeling in her stomach would go away. Patta came running towards them, in panic, as Pratap got off the horse.
“She is fine.” Pratap spoke as Patta gave Ajabdeh his hand “I am sorry Baisa Hukum, I told you I can’t...”
“It is okay Patta it was all my fault.” Ajabdeh smiled faintly at him as Pratap led Chetak away to his stable.
“But Bhaiya, let me take care of him, you go home, your forehead is bleeding.” Patta’s words made Ajabdeh turn to see Pratap inspect his wound with his dirty hands and twitch his nose slightly at the pain.
“Patta, get me the first aid box from Rama, and tie Chetak up,” Ajabdeh spoke entering the stable as Patta took the reign from Pratap and tied up the horse in a hurry.
“It is okay, I will go home and...” Pratap stopped at her stare and saw Patta run and come back with a box.
“I will go and check if the doctor is there, he should get an injection.” Patta spoke as Ajabdeh nodded “Yes. Tell him to get tetanus and come here.” Patta ran to follow her instructions.
“I can go to the...” Pratap spoke as she stared at him “Sit down.”
He sat down on the haystack, as she bent over with worry to inspect his wound. Her hand traced over his cut, with a little bit of blood, painting her fingertips red.
“Does it hurt?” She asked worried, but Pratap did not respond. His eyes were fixed on the worry he saw on her face, his throat was dry and heaven knows why his heart ached. He had craved someone to nurse his wounds all his life, but this was wrong, yet it felt right in many ways.
“Does it hurt?” She asked a little louder, and eyes met as he nodded slightly making her sigh.
“I am so sorry.” Her voice almost choked as he stared at her eyes shining with little droplets of tears, like diamonds. They were precious, at least to Pratap, because they came, for him, giving him answers to questions he would have perhaps never dared to ask.
“Hey.” He placed his thumb for the tear droplet to fall on it and smiled faintly at her. “Don’t ...”
“Your wound is deep...” She inspected it, sounding worried “We have to go to a doctor.” She wiped away the coming teardrops making him stare at her.
“I am fine; I have had wounds deeper than these.” I still do. He stared at her face. She wasn’t convinced.
 She took the antiseptic liquid on a cotton ball and pressed it against the cut, slowly removing the dirt and blood, and blowing at it. Pratap winced at it and stared back at her worried face. “Are you... okay?” His voice was almost like a whisper as he felt her breath almost on his forehead and her neck close to his face, he moved a few inches back and suddenly stared at the golden chain on her neck, with a small trident on it. All of a sudden the image of the girl in his dreams became vivid and made him restless.
“Yes, I...” She stopped realizing her close proximity and moved away a little to look for a band-aid in the box. “I...I was scared and...”
“So was I...”  She stared at him as he looked away as soon as he spoke as though he didn’t say it at all.
 He shook his head trying to get rid of the image of the girl in his dream, merging with the one who stood before him now. Ajabdeh stared at him looking pale.
 “What is it?” She frowned at his face.
“No... it's...” Pratap looked away reluctant.  She walked up to him, kneeling before him as he looked up at her face and his heart skipped a beat. If anyone saw the princess of Surajgarh kneeling before him, he dreaded the consequences.
“Tell me.” Was it a whisper or almost a begging, in Ajabdeh’s voice.
“I... I can be wrong, but I felt that... we have met somewhere...” He frowned at his own words.
“Huh?” Ajabdeh looked perplexed.
“I mean... before this... before the meadows... We met somewhere before we met here... actually... it makes no sense.” Pratap shook his head.
“Maybe it does. It makes all the sense in the world.” Ajabdeh spoke, her voice trembling a little as Pratap stared at her eyes twinkle and stopped standing up all of a sudden.
“Badima is not well, I should leave, and it is already late.”
“Pratap...” Ajabdeh knew he had heard her call out to him, heard her voice tremble. But he didn’t stop.
Ajabdeh saw him walk away, and she shook her head and stared at Chetak. She walked up to pat him slowly and sighed.
Pratap rode into the house, faster than usual and went to check on Meera who was half sitting on her bed. He checked her forehead as she looked up and frowned.
“What happened to you?” She asked.
“Nothing...” He sat down on the edge of the bed making Meera stare at him worried. She ruffled his hair gently and asked “What’s wrong, Ladesar?”
Pratap felt weak in his knees. Like he had fought a battle with himself for too long and was defeated. He placed his head on Meera’s lap as she patted him gently. At that moment, Pratap hid his face in her lap and cried. Like he would as a child.
“What if I do a terrible mistake, Badima? What if it hurts you?” He said in between his sobs. Meera smiled faintly holding him close and said almost in a whisper “The heart is never wrong dear.”
“Mine is, Badima. You don’t know.” He had hugged her tightly. “I should go back.”
“And leave me?” Meera looked at him as he wiped away his tears. “You will leave me?”
“No Badima I...”
“Warriors don’t run Pratap, they face things. And my Pratap has always been a warrior, hasn’t he?” She cupped his face as he nodded. Hugging her, he made a silent promise to himself to never let his heart take over his mind, at least as long as he was in Panwarmer. For Badimaasa’s sake.
Ajabdeh paced her room, as his words resonated in her ears. So was I... She is not the only one fighting this battle between her head and heart.


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