Skip to main content

Broken

She woke to the empty restless feeling that refused to go. She checked if her pillow was still wet from the tears. No? She put it aside and folded her hands thankful for another day. Another day to breathe, smile and live in. For everyone. She stepped out of the four-posted beds in the east wing of the small palace of Bijolia. Home? No. The home was where he was, or so she had vowed ten days back. A smile filled her lips. Irony. Who knew she would be here now? Fate. Maybe.

Her payal alerted the daasi who stepped in to help her get dressed. The jewellery. The royal lehenga. The signs of marriage. She was braiding her long hair neatly in silence. She wished the Daasis would speak to her. Maybe, they were scared of what to tell.

What would she tell a girl who was thrown out of her Sasural three days after her marriage? Clueless about her mistakes. Humiliated by the King and his Queen. What would she have told a girl whose husband abandoned her, for the mother she had loved like her own. The mother she wished to meet. What could they tell her, after her father died, because of her??? 

She closed her eyes to remain composed. It was disgraceful of a princess to cry like that. Disgraceful of a Rajputani, Mewar’s Kunwarani. His wife.

“Ajabdeh…” Her mother’s feeble voice made her turn. 
In the last week, she had aged a thousand years, yet smiled for her child. What an ungrateful child have I been to her? Ajabdeh wondered.
“Ji Maa?”
“ Puja ki thaal taiyyar hai.” She had said, reminding her again of two things. 
That her father was no more, her mother a widow was waiting for his last rites to be done. And that although she was here she was not a Punwar anymore, her rituals had ended on the third day after his death and she could go back to her bhajans. Her mother of all the people knew how important it was that Ajabde found solace in her God.

“Ji, Hum aate hai.” 
She waited for everyone to disperse. Then from one of the many boxes, she took out a small silver box filled with vermilion. She didn’t know why, ever since the fateful day, she had always hidden this box away from everyone and had filled her hairline in solitude time and again. Was she guilty of her mother? Or felt uneasy after he had “left” her? She didn’t know.

Filling her hairline with the vermilion of his name she hid it under the maangtika carefully. With a fake smile that still contradicted her heart, she stepped into the Puja room. Little Balwant was playing in the corridor outside as she stepped out of her room.

“Ajabdeh.” The familiar voice made her turn as Saubhagyawati stepped into the room, her puja thali in hand.
“Hum ne socha aj apse Krishna katha sunn lete hai, islie puja apke saath karne aa gaye.” She smiled an innocent smile.
“Aapko kal bhi Sita ka katha sunna tha na?” Ajabde’s smiling question made Saubhagyawati’s smile disappear.
“Ji… woh… hum…” She looked away as Ajabde held her hand in her’s,
“Hum e pata hai aapko lagta hai hum akele hai, aap islie aati hai. Aapko hamesha humare chinta karne ki avashakta nahi hai, hum theek hai saach.” She smiled a convincing smile.
“Nahi nahi Ajabdeh, hum toh… sach mein… dekhie, puja ka samay ja rahi hai apke inn vyarth baton se.” She sat down with her thaali. “Chaliye katha aur bhajan sunayiye.”
“Acha theek hai.” Ajabde settled down at the feet of Kanha and his Radha.

Oooo Tum hi toh ho bas tum hi toh ho… Dhaara gagan mein tum hi toh ho….” She took the marigold garland and placed it on the idol.
Wriday nayan mein tum hi toh ho… Mann mein ho tum har shann mein ho tum mere…. Kann kann mein ho tum….” She looked at the idols as her eyes twinkled. 
Although she sang for Kanha, Kanha knew her heart’s secrets.
“Kanha bolte… Main hi toh hoon bas main hi toh hoon, paas tumhare main hi toh hoon, saath tumhare main hi toh hoon, aas mein main, aur saas mein main, vishwas mein main hi hoon.” She placed the Prasad Saubhagyawati had made. Her friend smiled.
Antarmann ki chah yehi tum ho jaha meri rah wahi…” She smiled adding “Aise Radha bolti.”
Jo hai mera sab arpaan tumko, vyakul naina hai darshan ko…” She blinked her eyes to control the tears.
Vhau mein swar mein tum hi toh ho aathon peher mein tum hi toh ho.” 
She did the aarti and took the Jalkalash and walked silently through the corridors to the Tulsi manch.  Saubhagyawati followed.
Radha ka prem… unka tapasya… Kanha ko har baar untak laati thi…” The palace again filled with her melodious voice as she watered the Tulsi plant.
Wreet preet ki sadiyon Puraani, mitt gayi lekin haar na maani…” She smiled as she folded her hands.
“ Radha kehti… itna hi baas tumse kahungi… Jeet ke hi main tumko rahungi….” 
She placed the diya at the Tulsi manch and her eyes travelled to the Fort gates that were shut.
“Hoke vivash phir aoge tum, chod ke phir na jaoge tum…”

“Ajabdeh?” Her friend’s voice startled her.
“Ji?” She looked lost.
“Woh hum keh rahe thee ke aap kyun na humare yaha aake baccho ko Ramayana gyaan padhati? Usse aapka samay bhi…”
“Nahi Saubhagyawati hum e… bohot kaam karne hai…” She looked determined as Saubhagyawati looked clueless with a frown.
“Kaisa kaam?”
“Balwant abhi chote hai, unke jagah hum e aur ma ko samhalna hai Bijolia ko. Samant hone ke naate yeh humara uttar dwaittwa hai, ke Mewar nath ko hum koi shikayat ka mauka…” She stopped and gulped.
“Ha lekin Kakisa aur Senapati samhal rahe honge na…”
“ Maa ko main sabhi uttardwaitya se mukt karvana chahti hoon.” Ajabdeh walked away before Saubhagyawati could ask more.

“ Baisa aapne hum e yaad kia?” The soldier stood before her.
“Ji haan… humara palki prastut kijiye, hum kahi ja rahe hai.”
“Ji. Ranisa ko suchna…?” The soldier froze at her stare. In his long service here, never in his wildest dream could Baisa give such a stare. But he knew things had changed, the once loved and much welcomed Royals of Chittorgarh were now looked down upon by most of Bijolia who loved their Baisa.

“Ajabdeh. Aap kaha jaa rahi hai, jo apne hum e batana bhi avasyak na samjha?” Her mother stopped wide-eyed as she had adorned a warrior’s white attire and pagri.
“Yeh aap kya…?”
“Maa, hum kisiko diya hua ek vachan nibha rahe hai. Aapko hum pareshan nahi karna chahte…”
“Kaisa Vachan?” Her mother frowned.
“Ke hum, humare praja ko, humare praja ke prati apne uttwardwaito ko nibhaenge aur koi hum aur humare ….”
“Ajabdeh…” Her mother held her hands making her stop. Both were stone cold. She cupped her child’s face.
“Aapko yeh karne ki zarurat nahi…”
“Maa.” She smiled patting her mother’s hand reassuringly. 
Hansa Bai had welcomed her girl home again scared of how she would be doing. Today she watched the woman leave in her palki as she shook her head, saying a soft prayer.

Guru Raghavendra Rathore’s ashram was at the farthest corner of Bhilwara, a long way from Bijolia.
“Bijolia ki Rajkumari?” He raised his eyebrows in wonder. “Bhejo andar.”
The stares around had made Ajabdeh realize she should not have given her real identity in front of everyone, but she knew that Guruji didn’t meet all and sundry. She was unsure if he would meet her as well.
“Andar jaiye.” Made her nod in approval.

Her heart was scared. Her mind said she needed to do what was to be done.
“Khamma Ghani Kunwarani Ajabdeh baisa.” The man in front folded his hands in a gesture. She could make out he didn’t expect her in this attire. She stepped forward and touched his feet.
“Sada suhagaan…” He stopped as she smiled inhaling.
“Batayiye hum apka kaise…”
“Kun… umm… humne apke baare mein bohot suna hai Guruvaar. Hum… apke paas ek nivedaan leke aye hai…” She folded her hands.
“Baisa… Kisi aur ko pata ho na ho hum … lajjit hai … Kunwar Pratap se hum e aise apeksha na thi…”
“Nahi nahi guruvaar hum… hum chahte hai…” She rubbed her hands restless.
“Ji kahiye”
“Hum… talwarbaazi, teerandazi, sab seekhna chahte hai guruvar.” 
Her request made him look up at her face, 
“Humare matribhoomi, humari Bijolia ko humara avashakta hai.” 

Raghavendra Rathore froze to his spot. He remembered the day Kunwar Pratap had come and told him he saw his own reflection in Ajabdeh. He had then smiled at the young man in love. Today he could see her as his shadow. A deep regret filled his heart. Did Kunwar Pratap even know what he lost?

“Aap kal brahmamuhurat se ashram aa jaiega.” His words made her smile hopeful.
“Dhanyavaad, hai eklingji apka koti koti dhanyavaad.” Her smile faded. “ aur woh…”
“Apko chinta karne ki koi avashakta nahi hai, koi bhi kal se apko nahi pehchanega yaha, aap akeli sikhengi alag se aur… kal se aap yaha Baisa Ajabdeh nahi, Baijilal hai.”
“Baijilal? Dhanya vaag humara ke aapne hum e ek naam dene ka yogya samjha guruvaar.” She touched his feet again before she left. Watching her go the man shook his head.

As dusk gave way to darkness, Ajabde had just finished her sandhi puja and joined her mother in the peace prayers for her father. She lit the lamps of the palace. Her father always hated darkness. Now all that she embraced seemed dark. The flickering light of the lamp she placed made her smile in memories. Memories of that first day, the first feeling of being watched by him while she lit the lamps.

Once the room wore a melancholy light shadow flickering look she sat down at the desk, taking the Ramayana out. As soon as the sky fell dark, her heart grew more lonely than ever. She read till a daasi knocked and announced dinner.

The Katori of Kheer made her vision blur. She kept it aside and walked away In silence. Dignified till she closed her door behind her.
“Kitni baar bole hum apko ke unko kheer aur ghevar maat parosiye.” 
She heard her mother scream at the poor clueless daasi.

She could let the tears flow freely now. One by one she opened the jewelry she wore to disguise her happiness successfully. Another day had passed without him. She stared at the now visible vermilion on her head. Another day in his name. She closed her eyes and let the tears flow for a while as she felt like screaming “ Ek baar bas ek baar, humari baat sunn toh lete…” 

She sat on the floor. She needn’t pretend to wear that mask of self-independent strong Baisa in her own room. The walls of grace and dignity and judgement could be broken. Here, alone, she was just his Ajabdeh, praying every moment of her life to hear his horse come and his voice calls his name. Here she was his Ajabdeh waiting to be taken home.

“Kunwar Pratap.” She took his name like it healed her pain a little.
Several miles away, in another dark chamber, in the Kumbha Palace, he looked around alarmed. It seemed like someone was calling out to him. Ranima? His eyes teared up. He missed Ranima. But this heartache was different. He knew it but denied it. Like his heart questioned more than once, could Ajabdeh do this to Ranima? His mind chose to believe Chotima. Chotima was never wrong, was she?

“Kunwar Pr… Pratap!” She sobbed. “Pr..Pr…Pratap!”
He sat up on his bed and looked restless. He had water, yet something seemed stuck in his throat. He closed his eyes. He could hear her voice, her giggle her presence. Restless he shut his ears with his palm.
“Bas kijiye Ajabdeh. Bas kijiye, kyun aati hai aap aise khayalo mein? Kyun bhula nahi jata? Aap … doshi hai Ranima ke… Ajabdeh.”

Suddenly she picked herself up and wiped off the tears. She stared at the moonlight coming from the jharokha and moved closer, running to it. Her eyes twinkled as she stared at the moon. The soft wind blew her unbraided hair, let loose. She closed her eyes and breathed in.

“Apne … hum e pukara?” She questioned staring at the moon. “Apne hum e yaad kiya Kunwarsa?” Her eyes lit up, teary still with a smile that faded instantly. “Kaisi murkh hai aap Ajabdeh? Murkta ki haad e na rahi? Bhala woh kyun ap ko…” She shook her head and closed her eyes. She rested her head on her pillow as it began to get wet with the trickling tears.

She should better rest, she had a long time of learning ahead, learning to survive and struggle like a warrior. She had a long wait for him ahead, it's only been days. Months and years of wait lay ahead for her, yet her hope won’t die. She had promised herself that. She was his Ajabdeh. More, he was hers. She hoped for miracles and believed in prayers.


Broken, but not shattered.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Towards You

The Afghans, after Sher Shah Suri's untimely demise, were at loggerheads for power. Their troops near Mewar were now led by Mehmood Shah. They secretly captured territories in the forests and waited to attack Mewari camps when the time was right. Rawat Chundawat and his spies had confirmed the news, and Udai Singh sent a warning to Mehmood Shah to withdraw his troops from Mewar in vain. Now that it was out in the open, it was time they declared war. Mehmood Shah had limited resources in Mewar. His internal rebellion against his commander did not help his cause. His spies clearly suggested that in no way could he win, especially with Kunwar Pratap leading his troops. He was having second thoughts about the war. It was then that one of his aides suggested a perfect plan. Maharani Jaivanta Bai had decided to go to the Mahakaleshwar Temple near the outskirts of Chittorgarh, in the forestlands of Bhilwara. They had travelled a long way and across the Gambhiri river that meandered during...

Purnota: Chapter Three

“Did you ask for me, Dadu?” Bondita asked as the old man smiled at her. She looked fresh, with her hair neatly braided and a cotton pleated skirt, Thamma sewn with a faded top of one of her cousins, as she stood before the old man sitting on the porch. “Yes indeed, Didibhai, you didn’t come for chess yesterday.” The man smiled. “Oh, Pradhan Jyatha wanted me to look out for the …” She stopped as she saw Aniruddha walking towards them down the corridor. She eyed him as the old man followed her gaze. “Oh Aniruddha Babu, come here. This is Bondita Das.” Aniruddha smiled at the child as she looked away. “She is the only girl in the village who has appeared for her final examinations this year. She is very intelligent and…” Aniruddha nodded “She helped me a lot yesterday.” He made her look up, with a cold stare at him as he smiled politely. “Yes, I have called her here to show you around the village. He wants to see the affected areas of the Adivasis, Bondita.” The old man made her nod. “But...

She Left...

The war was over and so were the hopes of regaining Chittor. The Battle at Haldighati had robbed the Rana of all his wealth, and brave men, and bruised him for life. Trying to match up to Akbar or rather Raja Man Singh's army with one-third its strength had cost his bravery dearly. He had lost his friend and companion. He had brushed past death. The only good thing that this war ensured was that Akbar accepted that he cannot have Mewar. His army retreated and left the country in peace after almost two decades and seventeen wars. This war gave something else too. Kunwar Shakti came to help his brother in his time of need. He lived up to his brother's expectations of being loyal to his family. A heavy-hearted Rana Pratap Singh was overseeing the construction work on his lost friend's memorial right where he died, trying to save his master. The Bronze statue of the life-like Chetak stood tall but was no match for the void Chetak has left behind. He was lost in his thoughts as ...

You Deserve More

Ajabdeh woke up with the song of birds as she felt something warm on her hand. Her eyes went wide. Her hand was on the pillow in between them, between his hands, clasped as he slept. She thought of removing it slowly, but he was holding on to it so tightly. Ajabdeh's heart beat faster and faster. What do I do now? How do I not wake him? What if... why is my hand in his? She was utterly confused.   " Am I...In love?" Pratap was staring at the sleeping figure on the bed as he stared back at the rain. Then he frowned as he noticed that she shivered. He closed the windows of the room to make it cosy, then sat on his side of the bed. A lamp flickered on her side like always, and he stared at her sleeping figure as he put his blanket over her as well. She shifted a little in her sleep to make herself cosy again. Her payals and bangles made a rhythmic sound, breaking the silence of the room. Her hand was out of her blanket and on the pillow in between. He tried to slowly put it ...

Purnota: Chapter Four

The group of youth provided by the Pradhan proved efficient for Aniruddha’s liking as they helped him survey the villages, create a set of data and provide a rough idea of how much fund was needed to rebuild the roofs and fallen walls. “What if we make them permanent? That way, the next cyclone will cause less damage. Pakka houses may also get other facilities like toilets and…” Aniruddha suggested as his eyes shone in the flickering light of the dimly lit kerosene lamp in the living room of Pradhan’s house. Drops of perspiration had formed on his forehead in the load-shedding, and the mosquitoes buzzed around them. For the first two nights, Aniruddha could barely sleep in the unfamiliar surroundings with buzzing insects, sounds of the unknown, and eerie animals here and there at a distance. Stories of snakes climbing up to the second floor through windows despite the mosquito net protecting his four-poster bed kept him alarmed. By the third day, after a day’s survey through the villag...

Purnota: Chapter Six

Kalindi waited outside the hut, on the torn mat they usually slept on, using the hand fan to drive away mosquitoes as she stared at the empty path leading out of the house, the path Bondita had taken some time back. It was almost an hour. Did the foolish girl escape or land in trouble? To her relief, she could hear her nephew snoring away indoors, reassuring her that they were at least not caught by the villagers till now. She was sure Bondita would return empty-handed and hurt, and that she would have no other way than to accept the proposal from the Pradhan. That morning, her Kaka would accompany Sarkar Moshai to the adjacent village to talk to a family friend of the Sarkars. They were looking for a bride for their sixteen-year-old eldest son, who worked as a labourer in Sealdah. Kalindi had tears in her eyes. Not much had changed in these years; not much of women’s fate was different, wasn't it? Kalindi was about ten years old when her father took her to the Roy Chowdhury house ...

A Heart at War

Legend has it that Pratap had to struggle for his father Rana Udai Singh's approval on his wedding with the daughter of Bijoliya's chieftain's daughter, Ajbante Kanwar Punwar. It is so because he was the crown prince and his first queen was supposed to be the next queen of Mewar. Hence his father expected his first bride to be a powerful princess who would aid his political needs. But stubborn as he always was, Kunwar Pratap had other plans. The water of the Bhimlat was still. The sound of the waterfall could be heard in the silent afternoon in the dense forest. A pebble caused ripples in the water and alerted the horse gazing nearby. He looked up at the source of the stone. Then began grazing peacefully once again. The source of the stone however was far from being peaceful. His face wore a frown as he stared around restlessly for the umpteenth time. He sat unmindful on the large rock on the bank of the water body watching the ripples closely, lost in thoughts. The soun...

Purnota: Chapter Five

Aniruddha finished reading the book he had carried with him in the dim light of the bulb in his room and decided to pack it away. He was leaving in a few days and wanted to make sure he left nothing behind. The construction work on the school had started, and the Panchayat wanted to give him a thankful farewell he humbly refused. The spotlight should be on Trilochon to help with his next election campaign. Aniruddha did not want to associate himself with the party or the job. He contemplated going back home and telling his father that he had decided to pursue a career in India instead of his initial plan of going back to London. He had been giving it a thought for quite some time, and the day he said it out loud to Bondita, he knew in his subconscious mind he had already decided on it. The more he saw the village, the more sure he was that he was needed by his countrymen. Dadu put faith in him that he could be part of something bigger than himself and his career, and he intended to kee...

Life and You

" Maharanisa! Maharanisa!" The maid-in-waiting ran through the quiet Rani Mahal as Jaivanta Bai, who was sitting in front of the Lord in her room ever since she was back, rushed out of her room, followed by Sajjabai and Veerbai. " What happened?" She asked, her voice calm, but her heart thumping. " Kunwarsa is here... with Kunwarani... She... She...." The maid sobbed as Jaivanta Bai rushed to the room. She stood at the door as her eyes could not believe what she saw. Kunwar Pratap was soaked in her blood as he laid her down on the bed, shouting, " Quick. Rajvaidya..." His eyes stopped at the door as Jaivanta Bai rushed to be beside the unconscious Ajabdeh. The Daasis and Sevaks were running about soon enough. Sajja Bai gasped at the scene. So much blood. Kunwar Pratap had not noticed anything except her calm, unconscious face. Now that he noticed his blood-soaked hands, red, he stared at them as though in a trance. "Kunwar Pratap! Tell me w...

Unsaid

"Keep the Lehenga in this one, that jewellery in the box." Jaivanta Bai was ordering the ladies in the Ranimahal around. Kunwar Shakti entered with an equally stunned Kunwar Pratap at the scene as the hall turned into a mini market thanks to their mothers. " Kunwar Pratap is here." Dheerbai smiled at the duo as she walked up to them. " Choti ma, what are all these?" He asked, surprised. " Shagun!" Sajjabai answered excitedly."For Kuwaranisa. She will be blessed with these for the Sagaai. " Sajja Bai smiled at Jaivanta Bai, who nodded. "What Sagaai ?" Kunwar Pratap frowned at his mother. "Your engagement , aree , no one told him?" Sajja giggled a little, amused. " The four of us are choosing separate gifts of our own choice for your bride, Kunwarsa, come and see." Veer Bai urged him.   "The Sagaai is in three days, followed by the wedding on the Seventh, Rajpurohitji had said," Dheerbai informed ...